My Starboy

Everything, Everything, Nothing

warnings: mature, swearing, suicidal thoughts, self deprecation, eddie talking down on himself :/, heartbreak, mentions of suicide, mentions of domestic abuse, mentions of child abandonment, lotta cryings, two boys being idiots.

*

Lily ended up staying over for the night, their conversations running long and taking new turns. Gareth thought she was probably his best friend, and he was so relieved he'd never fall in love with her. She left early the next morning though, so as to not inconvenience her brother before his shift. He hugged her goodbye, really, really tight.

And when he got back to his room, he cried. Not out of heartbreak, or hurt like it had been recently. But because he felt safe with her. And he could be himself, fully. He could be himself with Eddie, he knew that, and he was. But he'd always hide that part of himself, that part that made him love Eddie in a way he wasn't supposed to. Eddie couldn't know, or things would get weird. And if Gareth couldn't love Eddie like that and have it reciprocated, that was okay, but he was not losing his best friend over it. But Lily? She came into his life and exploded it. She could read Gareth, and she cared for him, and they were both just two lonely fuckups trying to make it through life without breaking again.

But she wasn't Eddie.

Eddie was everything.

Eddie was the stars, the moon, the sun, the sky. His beauty incomparable and his kindness illuminating. He could walk into a room and everything would be good again. His smile could make Gareth forget every problem he had ever faced in a second because that smile was everything good in the world.

Eddie was everything, and Gareth was just out of reach.

Gareth didn't call Eddie that day. He just couldn't.

But the next? He'd gotten a call from Wayne, asking if Gareth was okay because they hadn't been able to reach him the past week and Gareth lied, saying he's had trouble with his mother, which wasn't entirely wrong but wasn't right either. Wayne asked if Eddie could come over, that he needed Gareth, that he was not doing good. Wayne dropped him to Gareths with a backpack of clothes an hour or two later. They walked into Gareth's room, and Eddie dropped his bag on the floor, and started to cry.

"What's wrong?" Gareth asked, a hand immediately flying out to brush back Eddie's curls, "What happened?"

"She cheated on me, Gareth." He sobbed, bottom lip quivering, "For three months."

Oh god, he knew.

"I'm- I'm so..."

"I really needed you, man." Eddie sniffled, "I couldn't talk about it that night, but-"

"You found out then?"

Eddie nodded, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, "I walked in on them fucking at the party."

"Shit." Gareth felt a tremendous amount of guilt, both because his best friend got cheated on, and because he wasn't there to pick up the pieces, "I'm so sorry."

"I needed you." Eddie walked over, taking a seat on the bed, "Where were you?"

Gareth looked to the ground, "In bed."

Eddie looked at the mess of sheets, then at the shirt (that he recognised as his) that Gareth clearly hadn't changed out of for days and the bags under his eyes and the grease in his hair. He looked deflated. He reached a hand out, and Gareth walked over to him, letting Eddie take his hand. His thumbs massaged Gareth's knuckles as he looked up at him with those big doe eyes.

"What got you like this? Hmm?" he pleaded with his eyes, "What's got your mind racing?"

You, "No, we're not- we're not doing that." Gareth sat down beside him, "You're the one in pain-"