My Starboy

Maybe The Rain Is Really To Blame

warnings: mind internalised homophobia, i think thats all?

Eddie squeezed his arms around Gareth a little tighter, his breath shaky and clogged up from crying. He buried his face into Gareth's chest, closing his eyes and taking a sharp inhale. The pain hurt so much, but Gareth was making it better. Gareth always made everything better. Gareth was his safest space, and it would stay like that till the end of his days. Eddie knew he could tell Gareth anything, and he would understand. He would be soft, and kind, as he always was. He'd sweep Eddie's hair back and dab his tears dry and promise that everything would eventually be okay. And as long as Gareth was here, everything would be. He spluttered a little, all emotions wavering over him and he felt the words spilling out of his lips before his mind could even catch up.

"I don't know what's wrong with me, Gareth." Eddie shook his head, "What... what makes me so... unloveable?"

Gareth was silent for a moment, his body jerked frozen. Eddie was scared he'd said something wrong, said something he didn't realise. Oh god, had he whispered out those thoughts about Gareth that were getting too hard to ignore? Did he say something that crossed over that line of friendship and something more? He listened in the silence of his room, and heard Gareth draw in a shaky breath before he whispered.

"You're not." his voice was so faint, that if Eddie wasn't listening as intently as he was, he wouldn't have heard it, "You. Are. Not."

"Why can't anyone love me then?" Eddie turned his head to look at Gareth, tears still rolling, but not nearly as many, "Huh? Why does nobody want me?"

"That's not true." Gareth shook his head.

Eddie didn't believe him. He told Gareth so much. Giving him every person that has ever turned his love away. He watched Gareth's face crack and crumble and, oh, he felt guilty. He felt so guilty because his words were hurting Gareth so much. He didn't know why he felt so guilty, he was talking about himself after all. But the look on Gareth's face made his heart ache so much his chest felt tight and his lungs wanted to stop.

Eddie felt guilty, but his heart was the one on the line here. It was him who was unloveable. Him who wasn't wanted. Him who was used, and abused, and tossed to the gutter like nothing. And so he asked, he asked the only person he trusted to give him the truth. He asked what made him unloveable, what made him unwantable. He needed a reason. He needed to hear someone else say it so he could fix it. So he could do everything in his power to even become half as worthy as somebody's love. Literally anybody.

But Gareth didn't give him the answer he was searching for. He didn't tell Eddie that he was worthless, or had nothing to give, or that he was annoying, or a waste of space, or trailer trash. He told Eddie something that made his heart beat out of his chest.

"I can't tell you. I don't know. I don't... because... because to me, you are the easiest to love."

Eddie couldn't take it. He couldn't. His heart beat too fast because Gareth, his stars, and his moon, and his sun, and his sky had told him that he, Eddie Munson, was the easiest to love. He melted. He melted into those words and let them curl around his heart and warm it. Because to Eddie, loving Gareth was easier than breathing.

But Eddie's heart was black, and he couldn't love himself if he tried. In those seven days, Eddie had come to the conclusion not only that he couldn't be loved, but also that he was undeserving of life. Because if no one could love him, then what was the point in even trying.

So he told Gareth that. He told him, and Gareth would be the only person Eddie would ever tell such a thing.

But Gareth turned angry. His whole body shifted between softness to rage. Eddie was scared, he'd fucked up. Oh, he'd fucked up so bad. Gareth was going to hate him, and tell him to leave. He'd tell him he was right. He didn't deserve love and he didn't deserve life. He was scared. He was so scared, and so alone. And Gareth was angry.