My Starboy

Cold Heart

warnings: mature, swearing, alchohol, jason carver, heteronormative activities :(, breif suicidal thoughts, more heartbreak, mention of skinny dipping, chrissy slander :/, awkies.

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Listening to Eddie's sex stories about Chrissy got easier over time. He got better at putting on a face. They still made him feel sick though, but he hadn't thrown up since that time at the bench. Basically all Gareth heard about these days was adorable, sweet, innocent little Chrissy. He resented her with all his heart.

He hated Eddie.

That's not true. He loved Eddie. He hated what Eddie was doing to him, without even realising. Because Gareth would never ever never tell him, and that was a fact.

Two months were celebrated. And then three. And Gareth's heart was black and cold.

Eddie had gotten better at not moving their Friday nights now. He'd told Chrissy that Friday nights were him and Gareth's guy time, and she respected that, probably because she spent most other nights with him. At least they had their slightly too intimate, boundary crossing guy time still. Gareth needed that. He knew he should probably distance himself from Eddie, that he was only hurting himself by keeping those walls down and his heart open, but he just didn't have the strength to walk away.

He was afraid he never would.

Then came graduation. And Eddie actually fucking graduated. They had both walked the stage, and Gareth got to watch Eddie flip Higgens the bird and his heart was so full of love and pride he actually shed a tear. Wayne caught him. Gareth was pretty sure Wayne had caught onto Gareth's feelings for Eddie, because one night a year or so ago, he'd gotten Gareth alone and said, "Now, son... you mean a lot to me, hell, you're as much my kid as Ed is. So I want you to know, I love you no matter what, ain't nothing's gonna change that. You be you, and I'll support you no matter fuckin what." So yeah, he was pretty sure he knew, and he was so thankful for that, and for the fact that Wayne hadn't told Eddie. But he also thought he had done a pretty good job at concealing it.

Maybe Wayne just knew him.

Wayne was more of a parent to Gareth than his own mother half the time. Always had been. Always will be.

But after grad, Eddie dragged him along to a party that Jason Carver had hosted. And reluctantly, he went. Of course he went. He'd follow Eddie anywhere.

And that's where everything went to shit.

A few drinks down and the room was hot and bodies were everywhere and shitty radio pop was playing and people were dancing. Gareth was standing against a wall with the other losers, drinking the disgusting vodka-tequila-bourbon-baileys-red coloured punch out of his solo cup, passing a cigarette to who he was pretty sure was Carver's fifteen year old brother, but Gareth didn't care enough to worry about it. And he was watching Eddie. Eddie, who was taller than most people in the crowd and smiling and laughing with the popular kids. Eddie, who got invited to a preppy party for a reason other than his weed because he was dating Little Miss Perfect. Eddie, who now had lifted his girlfriend up so her legs were wrapped around his waist and he was shoving his tongue down her throat.

And Gareth made himself watch.

He switched through hateful thoughts, violent ones even, to wishing it was himself that Eddie was kissing. He didn't even notice he was crying until maybe-Carver's little brother passed back the half smoked cigarette and asked him if he was okay. Gareth brushed it off and went outside.

He sat by the pool, staring down at his own reflection in the clear blue of the water, fancy lights beneath the surface making his face glow. He wiped at his tears, staring down into the water and wondering if things would get easier if he dived under and never came back up. But he didn't let that thought last, brushed it away after a fleeting moment, feeling his heart turn colder than it already was.