Come Back to Me

28

Dead clenched his eyes shut, ignoring the now burning sensation in the back of his throat as he screamed into the microphone. The recording sessions had gone on longer than he had expected, Euronymous pushing them all to finish the newest album as quickly as they could to avoid any delay. While it hurt to keep going, the anger he felt in the pit of his stomach was enough to push him through it. Fueling the eternal fire in his heart, Dead used the rage to his advantage.

"I think that's good," Euronymous called out. "We've got everything we need."

Dead looked up in confusion before looking up at the clock. Almost nine at night yet it only felt like an hour or so had passed. Swallowing, he choked back tears as the pain became almost unbearable. He wasn't going to be able to do much talking, let alone singing, for a while.

"You good, man?" Euronymous asked as he stepped into the recording room.

Dead nodded, his hand going up around his throat.

Euronymous scoffed. "Yeah, you really pushed it this time. I get it though. You think you'll be able to talk in the next couple weeks?"

Dead nodded slowly, his eyes wandering down to the floor.

The hearing was two weeks away and he would have been lying if he said he wasn't somewhat nervous. Their lawyer had assured him that it most likely wasn't going to be a full murder charge, if a charge was made at all given the circumstances. Still, there was always the possibility of it going wrong. A life sentence would most likely send him over the edge and most likely Vanessa as well given the state she was in.

They still blame her...

Dead tried to shake the thought out of his mind. After the incident with Varg, things hadn't gotten any better for her either. Multiple meetings, hearings, and other bullshit had her stressed to the max as everyone she met with either blamed her for everything going on or put all the pressure on her to find a solution. The last person to suggest something had tried saying she should be allowed to go back and stop herself and let someone else be the final straw. To him, it seemed as though they were just trying to find a way to put a stop to it once and for all. The thought made his stomach turn.

Sure, he had wanted nothing more than to die and finally be at peace; now he wasn't so sure. He had someone that loved him, stood by his side, and a successful career with Mayhem.

Can't say I've had a completely shitty life.

He rolled his eyes at the thought. Maybe it hadn't all been bad, but it hadn't exactly improved by much either.

Euronymous jerked his head to the side. "Come on, I wanna get home."

Dead nodded, following him out of the room. "How are things with Valerie?"

He couldn't help but cringe at the sound of his voice as it cracked.

Really gotta stop doing it like that.

Euronymous shrugged. "Going alright. We're mostly just taking things slow, seeing how it all goes. With everything going on it doesn't feel like much has changed except sharing a bed once in a while."

Dead smirked, remembering the first time he and Vanessa had slept together. The feeling had been completely new, almost overwhelming at times after being touch starved for so long.

It didn't take him long to get home, the drive seeming like a blur as his mind flooded with thoughts of Vanessa, their past, and their future. Everything tonight felt...different somehow. The feeling of wanting to just run to her, or just run away from something, ate away at him. His stomach, while it felt fine for the most part, had a strange sensation. It wasn't quite anxiety, but it wasn't something he enjoyed feeling either. There was no real reason for him to be worried anymore. Varg was dead, Vanessa was safe at home and had spent most of the day with Valerie.

So why does something not feel right?

Pulling into the small driveway, Dead all but ran into the house. Locking the door behind him he made his way to the stairs. She would most likely be in bed already, whatever meeting she had to deal with probably leaving her drained. Opening the door, he was surprised to find her looking back at him.

"You're awake," he whispered.

Vanessa tilted her head. "Why wouldn't I be? What's wrong with your voice?"

Dead chuckled. "Screamed a little too hard and a little too long."

"You're going to damage your vocal cords if you keep it up," she teased.

Pulling off his boots, Dead made his way over to the bed, sitting down beside her. The feeling in his stomach slowly faded as he pulled her into his chest.

Just being clingy.

His eyes closed as he felt her fingers brush against the top of his hand, slowly tracing circles before moving down the tips of his fingers. The sensation was just light enough for him to know she was there and just enough to ease the last remaining bits of anxiety he had been feeling.

It feels like a never-ending cycle of emotions.

His brow furrowed, but it was true. Everything he felt was the same every time. Every wave of anxiety, every doubt, fear, all of it was just the same. He couldn't stop living in a long-gone past long enough to enjoy the small comforts of the present. He understood why everyone had been so frustrated with him for so long, always holding on to something he had no control over or power to change. There was nothing for him to gain from always looking back, yet he couldn't not focus on it. So much of his past had shaped him into the person he was now; a person he was never supposed to become.

Had it not been for Vanessa he would be dead in the most literal sense.

Why is it so hard to let go?

He had talked to people about it all before, a million therapy sessions, psych-evaluations, but nothing really could stop him from holding onto the past.

Maybe I'm not meant to let go of what I should have left.

The thought, he realized, would most likely not make sense to anyone else if he had told them; yet it made perfect sense to him.

Maybe there are others who feel like this too. Others who should have died but didn't.

He thought back to Euronymous. The guitarist seemed unphased by anything that really happened before, obviously with Vera's death being the exception, but he always focused on the band and making progress. Perhaps he was just better at hiding it than Dead was. He would have to ask him about it the next time he saw him.

"You ok?" Vanessa asked quietly.

Dead nodded, pulling her closer. "Yeah. It's just been a long night."

He watched as her eyes closed, her breathing slowing as she drifted off to sleep. He'd ask Euronymous later, and if he didn't have similar feelings, then maybe he really was just a prisoner of his own mind...