Come Back to Me

33

Vanessa sat on the floor, staring blankly at the wall wondering where it all fell apart. This wasn't how any of it was supposed to go. She was supposed to save him, to help him realize just what he was missing if he really did end it all. The time the had been apart might not have helped but he had continued to push forward.

For what?

Her head rested on her legs as the realization set in. She had fallen in love not with the man he truly was, but the person she wanted him to be. She had raised her expectations of him and had completely forgotten that Dead was just a broken man who simply wanted the pain to stop. She had taken away his choice, made it for him, and forced him to live in his own personal hell. The guilt ate at her, knowing that all his suffering was because of her.

Maybe it should have been Euronymous...He didn't want to die like Dead did...

No. She had been connected to Dead in her dreams, hearing him call out to her to save him.

"Don't leave me alone..."

"No..." she whispered. "No that can't be right..."

He wanted to die...He just didn't want to die alone.

Her stomach tightened as she reached once more for her phone, hoping that he wouldn't just ignore her calls like he had been. She could hear her heartbeat drumming in her ears as she fought to not be sick all over herself. By the third ring she was about to give up when he finally picked up.

"Ness," his voice just above a whisper. "I was actually about to call you."

Releasing the breath she had been holding in, Vanessa almost broke down into a sobbing mess.

"I'm sorry, Pelle, I'm so sorry," she managed. "I shouldn't have pushed you so hard I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."

"Shh, don't cry," he cooed. "Shh, everything is okay. You don't need to apologize."

"Yes, I do! I expected so much of you and thought I could instantly fix all your problems and I realize just how selfish that was. I expected you to be someone you weren't and took away your power to choose what you wanted for yourself. I thought you asking me not to leave in all those dreams was you asking to be saved but you just didn't want to be alone when you died. I shouldn't have forced you into this world and I'm so sorry."

Had it not been for his breathing, she would have thought he had hung up. Not wanting to keep pushing him, she waited for him to respond.

"It's true," his voice sounding tired. "I wanted to die that day, I wanted so badly for the pain to end and hoped that whoever I had been seeing in my dreams would just keep me company until I was finally gone. Then I met you and things really did change. I wanted, and still want to, die, but I don't want to leave you behind. I don't want to hurt you and I want to see the success of Mayhem. This life might not be what I had pictured but I don't want to change it. I might not be able to be the person you want me to be but that doesn't mean I cant try and be a better person every day that I'm still here. I need help and I can't deny that, but I hope that you at least love me enough to stand with me while I get that help."

"Of course I will."

"Take a minute to think about that, Ness. Really think about it. Right now, I killed someone and while it's looking like it won't end in a prison sentence that doesn't change the fact that someone is dead because of me. I'm a flawed person, I have a temper, a recovering drug and alcohol abuser, there's not a whole lot I haven't done in this life, and I'm bound to make more mistakes down the road. I want you to really ask yourself if you can handle all of that for however long we have together. Can you really handle that for the next five or twenty years? I know you love me, and I love you too, but I don't want to be the reason you're unhappy in life."

"Pelle, I don't want to be without you. If I could go back and fix where I went wrong I would, but I can't, at least not right now. I wouldn't want to struggle with anyone else. I want to be there for you and help you. I want to know about everything that happened when we weren't together even if you think it'll scare me away because I can promise you that it won't. You've come so far and are so much stronger and I'm so proud of you."

"It'll probably be a while before we can confidently talk about getting married, you know that right?"

"I know. We need time to relearn each other, take things slow and from the beginning."

She smiled softly when Dead let out a low chuckle.

"I doubt that we can start from a completely clean slate, but I know what you mean. I'll be home in a day or two and we can start figuring things out, okay?"

"Alright. Just be safe. I'll see you soon."

"I will. I'll talk to you later."

"I love you."

She waited a moment for him to respond, but all that came was the silence following the end of the call. She held the phone against her ear, wanting desperately to call him back just to hear his voice again and hear him say that he did in fact still love her, instead, sitting the phone down beside her, she resolved to give him exactly what he asked for.

It was clear that starting over meant not saying those words for a while. Maybe he had never fully been ready to say them in the first place.

Why wouldn't he just say that then?

The thought was selfish. There had been plenty of things she had felt in her past she thought she couldn't tell anyone out of fear of what they would say. For now, she needed to be understanding of what he needed. Even if it took months, she would wait patiently until he was ready to open himself up again.

But what if that day never comes?

The possibility that their relationship might one day be over was enough to have her on the edge of a panic attack. Still, one thought stayed at the front of her mind; what exactly had she been expecting? Sitting her head on her knees, Vanessa closed her eyes and tried her best to gain control of her racing mind.

"I'm sorry, Pelle," she cried in her lap. "I'm sorry for making you hurt. If I could take it back..."

Her throat tightened, the words refusing to leave. If she could change it, would she? Would she really be able to stop herself from going for him and letting someone so loved end their life? Selfishly, she wanted to say no.

"It's not about me. It's about him and what he wants."

Shaking her head, Vanessa stood to go to sleep. There was too much to think about now, and stressing over it wouldn't fix anything. Tomorrow, she would try to make amends.

Tomorrow, she would do everything in her power to make things right.