Hope We Meet Again

08 - Gaming Buddies

Before I knew it, Term 3 ended within a blink of an eye. I sighed as I exited the towering gates of hell. The trees creaked as the old buildings groaned, and I looked around, grasping onto the memories I'd made so far. Saddened by the short-term farewell, I turned as I headed to the train station. I finally felt free after a three-month period of stress, denial, and utopic celebration. I smiled to myself as the train ride was ever so slightly comforting and peaceful. Arriving home after 27 minutes, I plopped down onto my bed as my spine decompressed. I stretched, feeling satisfied. My phone buzzed as I smiled at the screen and typed away. This holiday is going to be great.

***

This holiday was a drag. It had only been a week, but I was sleep-deprived and more screen-addicted than ever. I buried my head in my hands, rubbing my eyes in the process. The days continued blankly, and I was lost. Lost in time and consciousness, I sighed. I couldn't bear this tragedy of my relapse into increased screen time, but I had nothing better to do. I fiddled with my pen and stared at the screen blankly. Zero motivation. I slammed my pen down on the table as I pulled my chair in. Closing my eyes for a moment, exhaling the remaining air out my lungs, I opened my virtual reality escape-gaming. I was never a big gamer, but it runs in the family. Well, not really. It was more inherited by the ongoing trends in society that everyone became hooked on. I haven't played this game yet, but I still have the reflexes to pull the trigger. A smile crept onto my face as I won rounds after rounds. However, that smile didn't last long, and I slowly felt more sleep-deprived.

What time is it?

I looked at the clock as it read 10:50 p.m. Oh no. I've been at my desk since 9 a.m. and haven't moved a single muscle, only moving for meal breaks and straight back to gaming. I groaned, leaning on my chair and arching my neck as I looked at the pitiful ceiling. This is why I need structure in my day rather than freestyle, I reasoned. Freestyling my day would consequently end up being a flop and an infinite loop of watching videos and flicking through screens to tamper with the thoughts of my parents. But surprise, surprise, they knew. This made me wonder if the old-fashioned switch of screens is an universal act of being "on task", which clearly I wasn't.  As my mouse glided to the x at the top right of my screen, I stared at the screen a final time.

***

Another day, another drag. Yay. I buried my head under the covers, shielding my eyes from the optimistic sun that my mother let in. I groaned, tossing myself into a heap of plush and comfort. To this point, I would proudly say my life seems so miserable on the holidays. The everlasting comfort and ease of being at home without a worry of any natural causes made my mind vomit out unproductive. I rolled onto my back as my eyes welcomed the sunlight. Very blinding. Unconsciously, an arm rested on the bridge of my nose. Blinking away the rawness of my deprived eyes, my mind decided to replay silly but impeccable moments that felt like a teenage dream.

Well obviously.

A female teenager in the depths of the delusional meaning of intimacy and vulnerability makes me want to light up a bonfire and throw those feelings into the grasping hands of the flames. Even if that's possible, I would still do it, but those indescribable annoyances will grow back. I closed my eyes, sighing, as if I had discovered that the whole world was ending before my eyes. First-world problems, I would say. I don't want to think of him, but I was consumed, recalling snippets of everything that happened within those 3 months of Term 3. His lighthearted laugh, how his gaze rested on mine, and those little silly moments of looking back and forth at each other. Our random conversations about life and school would be ever so much more impactful than I imagined. He's just there, existing out of the billions in this progressive world we live in. Yet, I still doubt the obvious signs that all my friends are bugging me about. He likes you, they would say over and over. I would shake my head, smiling foolishly.

Denying and accepting my feelings for him is like a cold war that lasted for millennia; memories flooded back as if the men in the war had finally returned home. I audibly sighed; this caught someone's attention as one of my parents poked their head inside the door frame. "Breakfast is ready; get up", I squirmed under the covers once again, indicating for five more minutes. I had already dozed off for another 45 minutes.

***

GAME OVER

The screen blinked at a steady pace. I lost. I groaningly slouched on my chair in defeat. It has been hours on end of me doing nothing productive. It's not fun being the only one online; I glanced around trying to find my phone. Eventually, I found a very intriguing video and proceeded to send it to my friends. I would say it was my way of coping with boredom. My fingers hovered over his user-should I send this to him? My eyes turned into slits as I eyed his user, slowly pressing the pad of my finger onto the screen as the video link was sent to him. I shrugged my shoulders, acting like I didn't care, but in reality, I really did. I overthink the little things every time I'm interacting with him. For goodness sake, it's like walking on eggshells. Deeply exhaling, I placed my phone down. It only took him a minute to reply. I quickly switched off the tab, replacing it with a larger version of the chat. I smiled at his text and replied back at the same pace as he did.

I was always a quick responder, but sometimes I feel like I give too much. I smiled timidly at my screen, lowering my eyes. It's been nearly 2 hours, and he doesn't seem to keep up with the conversation. I scrolled to our previous interactions. Then it hit me. I was always the one who initiated the conversation. I reflected on this. Was it really a one-sided type of crush? Has it always been like this since the beginning of time? I scoffed at this thought, even though I knew it was true. I never really confessed my feelings to any of my previous crushes, but I felt like if I did either way, I would be rejected or even judged. Just imagining the disgusted glares coming from someone I truly liked would be like throwing a brick in my face again and again. It's hopeless; I can't risk any mistakes. Not with someone I think would like me back, because if I did, I'd be proving the thought of a possible significant other being disembodied right in front of me. Breaking away from my grasp. Slowly dying a painful death where the pain is on me, not them.

Should I really ask him this? I reconciled myself to the fact that it's fine to proceed with a conversation first, if that could even spark an interest for him to text back. I hit send anyway.

18:55: What's your main game that you play currently? :)

Did I really have to add a smiley face at the end? May the Lord save me from this embarrassment.

He replied instantly, as if he were waiting for my text. I analysed this behaviour as I cautiously replied to his list of games. I smiled as he was surprised that I might consider playing some of his games.

19:00: The only games I play is apocalyptic games

19:00: I've heard about it but I haven't actually played it. Hold on, I'm going to try it out right now

19:00: Nice. Can I join?

19:01: YESSS

I laughed at his message as I clicked on the game icon. He texted me his game user as I send a friend request. This is going to be fun.

WRONG

What was I thinking? I pushed myself away from the screen as we played for a few rounds. When I say a few rounds, it was an hour of rounds. The constant adrenaline hits me like an off-and-on switch because one moment I had a smug look on my face as I effortlessly played each round with ease, and then the constant spamming of my mouse to fire when I'm down on health. It was making me painstakingly nervous because I was the one who asked for company. I sighed as I told him that I had to go. He replied with a bye, and I switched off the tab.

This holiday really drained the dignity out of me within the 2 weeks.

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A/N

Took a little break without notice. I really thought "just for one week, that shouldn't be an issue", then proceeded to not write anything for two months. Apologies fellow readers.