A Single Moment of Sincerity

ten.

warning: sex scene.

WARPED TOUR 2011 - ATLANTA, GEORGIA

There was one more stop after the Atlanta show before I would get to see Chris again, in Missouri. The nerves were beginning to overtake my brain. I spent a good chunk of the morning of the Atlanta show throwing up in the bathroom of my bus. Mason was outside asking if I was okay. Deja vu washed over me.

I couldn't get the taste of the vomit out of my mouth, no matter how many times I brushed my teeth. It was embarrassing and my mouth felt clammy, to the point where I could barely get my voice out properly during the performance. At least once a song, my voice would crack in the worst way and for someone who rarely drank water on stage, I was chugging the Monster water cans like crazy.

A feeling of sickness was washing over me. The drugs, the alcohol, the anxiety was starting to take a physical toll on me. Who was I anymore? I felt like Bailey didn't exist without the substances. The person everyone saw on stage every day only existed because there was three beers inside of her at any given moment. Once one wore off, I put another back. Looking into the mirror, the girl in front of me was unrecognizable. Sure, that was me, and sure, I didn't look like a monster, but my dark bags under my eyes and my permanent look of unhappiness distorted my face in ways I've never seen before. I was growing thin too. It wasn't like I wasn't eating, but the food I was eating wasn't staying down. Chris had left me some supplement smoothie mixes, from his diet he was doing, and so I had been drinking those instead of eating for the past week or so. The only time I really ate much else was at the movie theatre a couple nights ago, but that was just popcorn and candy, which I proceeded to wash down with more beer.

Ah, beer. My savior, truly. The only thing that was keeping me even slightly sane was my beer. I had gone from drinking liquor, like rum or vodka, to now only drinking beer. I felt disgusting, physically, but my mind was telling me that the beer was helping. I loved the dizzy sensation that would wash over me when I chugged a whole bottle. The fizziness from inside the drink would move inside me and I felt like the evilness in the world just melted away around me. I couldn't remember much from the Atlanta show beside my vomiting in the bathroom, thanks to my lovely beer.

At some point in the day, I had run into Craig Owens while I was piss drunk. He didn't seem to realize the extent of my un-soberness and decided that he wanted to have a conversation with me. In any other state of mind, I would have loved this, but my head wasn't even able to comprehend where we were standing, so I stood there, silent and stiff, until he caught on and left. Embarrassing.

Ben and Sam had come to watch our show, but I was terrified of the former, still unable to decide where I was going to land in the fight between him and Chris. When no one was looking, after we packed up everything from my show, I bolted back to the bus, hoping to avoid speaking to him until I felt ready to. I went back to the lounge and started drinking again. The sun was up, it was hot out, and I could hear fans outside. I didn't want to interact with anyone but myself.

Luckily for me, I had forgotten that we were going to do a quick interview with an online news Youtube channel to promote our music and tour dates. Michael had to drag me outside. I felt so bad for the reporter.

"Bailey, you have been reportedly close to the guys in Asking Alexandria. There was an interview a few weeks ago with Ben that you appeared in. How has it been being on tour with your friends? It must be fun to be able to go hang out with people you're close with."

"Yeah," I started, my mind screaming for him to ask something else. "We're all really good friends with those guys. We party and drink with them all the time. I'm so lucky that we get to be on tour with them, and so many other big names. Everyone here is so amazing and nice." At least, that's what I think I said. I can't remember and I refused to watch that video. I knew, even then, in that moment, that I was slurring some of my words. I could barely focus on the people in front of me.