Hanbin fanfic: Struggles of liking you

loser

HANBIN's POV

The fresh air of Jeju Island filled my lungs and embraced me in a warm hug. The warming rays of the sun sent tingles down my spine sending me to another place.

The smell of ocean rippled within me, reminding me of a nostalgic memory.

My mind flashed back to the time Jinhwan brought Ikon to Jeju Island.
The fun times we had, the laughter and smiles will always be engraved in my mind.
It was a piece of sweetness left in the bleak reality of mines.

I remember the stories we told, the life experiences we shared with one another.
I missed them and the crystal blue sky and water made me realise how much I really miss them.

But then I feel a sense of regret and bitterness. I hate this feeling. This constant longing for people.
It is tiring and pathetic.
I shook my head to rid myself from the negativity.
I went to jeju Island to get a break not to get another episode of remorse and regret.

As I sat in the penthouse we rented, I saw mum walking towards me.

I turned around.
She offered a smile.
I smiled back.

"How are you feeling?" She gently asked.

It was a trivial question. I didn't know how to reply.
"Better," was all I managed to utter.

"Hanbin-ah, Jinhwan called me yesterday,"

I didn't reply, I didn't know what to say.

"He is worried about you, everyone is... "

I closed my eyes.
" Mum, can we talk about this another time I think I'm going to sleep, I am really tired,"

I went off the chair and went back inside my room.
They probably seen the news headlines.
They probably heard everything the media have got to say.
I shut my eyes trying to escape from the looming hole of remorse.

A tiny voice creeps into my mind and whispers with its hoarse voice,
"You shouldn't have left them alone, you coward idiot. "
"stupid"
"pathetic"
"useless"
"loser"

I wrapped the blanket around my body, enclosed my head with the pillow.
I forced myself to block everything.
I just wanted a break.
That is all.
Just a break.

------

The days in Jeju Island seem to go by quickly.
With a blink of the eye, my two weeks break was over.
I returned back to Seoul with a slightly better mental health.

My anger and desperation wasn't there anymore.
My wound was slowly but surely healing.
However I knew where my limits were, I tried to stay away from going outside. I feared the paparazzi, cameras, saesang fans, the whole lot.

For six years my life has been under the spotlight, I know the news about my personal life is out there, swirling around in the air, and I know that it won't be too long before the paparazzi eventually finds me.

But right now I just want a little bit more of peace and quiet, just a little bit more.

---

Hanbin's pOV

It was a Saturday late afternoon and I was walking on beach letting the sand envelope my feet with warmth.
Everything was peaceful.
The pink blue colours painted the sky above leaving hues of orange here and there in the plane of infinity.
The gentle crashing of the waves tumbled upon the sand.
The constant crushing of my feet as it steps on the sand fill the air.

I walked up the stairs leading to a platform above the beach.
I leaned on the barrier, engrossing myself in the beautiful scenery.
From the different shades of green and blue to the yellow sand.
As I looked into the distance, my eyes landed on a familiar view.

A wave of nostalgia crashed upon me.
It has been a long time since I last saw her.
I wonder how she was going?
How the boys were going?

Her long hair flowed with the wind.
She was writing something on her notepad.
I watched from afar as she slowly stopped writing and stood up.

As she stood up, a piece of paper was left behind.
She didn't see it flying out from her bag.
It wandered and danced with the wind.
It slowly dropped onto the beach waves.

....

I went down and picked it up.
The paper was drenched but the writing was legible.

My eyes widened.
My eyebrows creased into a frown.
As I was reading, my mouth opened, I couldn't digest the things that I was reading.

"Hayi..." was all I could mutter under my breath.