TBATE: A Hero's Return

Does It Get Better?

"Gramps?"

He would never admit it to anyone, but Virion preferred to be called that more than Commander or Elder by this particular subordinate of his. And especially when he heard the sudden uncertainty creeping into Arthur's voice.

"Hmm?" he said.

There was a sigh.

"Does it ever get better?"

Virion finally turned his head to look at his former student. Arthur's face was looking up toward the sky, but his eyes were closed. There was a sheen of moisture right where his lids met. He was breathing deeply.

The former king turned back to the white clouds above them. The former king and commander knew exactly what the disciple that he considered a grandson referred to.

"I have to be honest, Arthur," he said, genuine regret coloring his words. "I don't know."

Grief was never easy, and surviving while others didn't, was always hard.

Virion continued, "It always depends on the person. For some it lingers and affects them negatively, for others it helps them become better. What do you think?"

Arthur sighed, his eyes still squeezed shut, then said, "I don't think it will ever go away. There's a lot of guilt, and remorse in me because I'm alive, and they're not. I'm happy to be still breathing, but that almost makes it seem worse to me." Arthur thought of all the people close to him that passed away. His dad, Adam, Alaric, Doradrea, Jarrod, Briar...

Virion was silent.

Then Arthur said in a voice that reminded the commander of the little boy that Tessia would drag around Zestier he had once been: "I just wanted to keep everyone safe."

Yes, we all do, Virion thought with a pang in his heart.

"You can't, Arthur. It's impossible," Virion said gently, remembering all the people who'd left him behind: his wife, his son, his daughter-in-law, Rinia, Cynthia, and uncountably many more friends and comrades.

So damned many.

"That's what being a warrior is all about. You do the best you can with the situation you've landed in. All you can do is remember them, keep them with you always, and just move on with your life. You know this better than anyone."

Arthur nodded. "I know...but it still hurts. Sometimes, I think I'm okay, but then it hits suddenly and I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe."

Virion closed his eyes.

Yes, it does. It still does.

Virion's time had been an unending series of wars. He'd been at war since even before he could remember, always been in the thick of battle, always losing people he loved. Kill or be killed was a constant state of mind. It had hardened him because it was the only way to survive. He had struggled to keep the memory of his fallen comrades in his heart to help him remember his humanity, to never forget why he still needed to fight.

His own wife died in his arms after sacrificing her life to protect him.

But Arthur was different. Even as he had fought evil, he had never lost the enduring can-do attitude that had been his strength for most of his young life. He was hardened, but still dedicated to keeping his loved ones happy and safe.

And now, peace had finally come over Dicathen, over even Alacrya and Epheotus. The shift from wartime to peace, though, was going to take some time to get used to. This was where the real work came in, dealing with the broken pieces of not only your life but everyone else's.

How do you explain that to somebody who'd already willingly taken upon himself the struggles, the pain of the world? Would he ever be ready to let go of that burden? This young boy, still not really a man, already knew how huge that responsibility was going to be. During the fight against Agrona, his Scythes, and his Wraiths, he'd been willing to give up his life for everyone. And he almost did more times than the former king could even count.

It was enough to crush a man.

But it didn't have to be that way, not if Virion could help it. Arthur had a whole life waiting for him.

"You drown, but people pull you up so you eventually come up for air again, right?" Virion said.

Arthur, still with his face up to the sky, opened his eyes, swiped a hand across, and nodded. "Yeah."

"That's a good thing. That pain you feel will remind you of why you're still alive. Each time you feel it, it's an opportunity to be grateful, isn't it? To all those people who've touched your life."

Virion was still looking up at the clouds, but he hoped his words were piercing through to Arthur. He heard a sigh and a sniffle.

He continued, "Grief. Guilt. Relief. Remorse. It's all there. You have the right to feel all of it because we're alive. Only human and elf. But I just want you to remember that even with all of that, others have experienced it, too, and so it's something we share with everyone—a bond with others to make you feel like you're never really going to be alone. People will always be there to help you, so you don't always have to carry your burdens all by yourself."

Arthur laughed suddenly through his tears, the sound carrying through the air.

Trust Gramps to make everything so clear.

He'd known his former master and commander would be able to understand his feelings. After all, Virion had been a warrior, too. They'd both been dealing with death since they were young. He was the perfect person to discuss his feeling of guilt and the weight of the burden he had had to shoulder these past few years. They were cut from the same cloth, after all. They'd both been thrust into positions they'd never wanted, but had met everyone's expectations and accepted the responsibility without fail.

"Just remember this when you are king, Arthur," Virion said with a teasing smile.

Arthur turned beet red at the insinuation, knowing that Virion always wanted Arthur to marry his granddaughter.

Nonetheless, Arthur still laughed again, feeling better and more at peace. His feelings were settling down. Yes, he would carry the memory of everyone in his heart. It would give him strength. And when things got really bad, he would remember the ways that they had made an impact on his life.

He looked at the impressive form of the commander and smiled wider. That's right. It wasn't just about the friends and family he had lost. There were still a lot of people he loved left in his life, and one of them was right next to him, and hopefully, will still be there for a long time.