TBATE: A Hero's Return

Don't Know How

ARTHUR LEYWIN

Hunched over a large, old book from the Zestier palace library that looked like it would fall apart if not handled properly, I was looking at a beautiful scene on the page. One I had imagined for a long time now.

But knowing the traditions, seeing how everything was supposed to happen didn't seem to really help me much. With a quiet groan, I dropped my head down onto my arm against the cold wooden desk. How the heck was I supposed to actually do this?

I took several deep breaths to steady myself as panic seized my heart in a vice-like grip.

I knew none of this was really news. I had already looked into all of this ages ago when I dreamed of my future with Tess. In my head, I could see her walking down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress. I would lift her veil and press my lips against her gorgeous ones after we promised ourselves to each other.

Except...

I had just heard Tessia talking to Kathyln via a communication artifact earlier today. Right here in this very palace. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I just went looking for her, wanting to spend some time with her. But her conversation had me pulling up just short.

"I don't know if I can do this, Kath," Tessia had said. "I mean, we've talked about our future, but you'd be surprised how many times those conversations didn't include us talking about getting married. Maybe I was kidding myself about moving forward. What if all of this just turns out to be a big mistake?"

Married. Mistake. Those words had frozen me to the spot. I distinctly remember glancing around, making sure that no guards, maids, or anyone else was around to catch me overhearing her conversation.

Tessia had gone on, completely unaware. "What do you mean, have I thought about it? Of course I've thought about it. I —" Kathyln must have cut her off. I crept closer to the open door. My heart had been ramming in my chest, but I had kept my breathing controlled. Quiet.

"Okay, just stop for a second. Of course I'm freaked out. This doubt... I haven't felt anything like it since he confessed to me, and I was constantly on edge that I was going to spook him and he would run. And maybe I could very well lose him, but at least... At least then I'd know."

Lose him? Why did she think she was gonna lose me?

I was unable to breathe, and the next thing I knew I had darted out the door into the cool air of the night. It was a coward's move on my part to leave like that, but I was panicking. A million thoughts were firing in my head.

I walked many hours around the quiet streets of Zestier, trying to do everything I could to keep a legitimate panic attack at bay before heading to the library where I currently was.

I looked at the clock in the far corner of the room and realized it was already past 1 am. Okay, that was bad. I really needed to go to sleep.

It took a couple more minutes, but I finally managed to crawl into bed. Tess was fast asleep, softly snoring. That didn't stop her from shuffling over and wrapping herself around me as I settled in. She always seemed to gravitate my way when she slept, regardless of what season it was, how hot or cold it was, or even what side of the bed I was on.

I ran a hand through her gorgeous, soft hair before leaning in and kissing her lightly on the forehead. "I love you, Tess," I whispered against her comforting, warm skin. "Please don't leave me."

I wrapped an arm around this woman I loved so fiercely, and pulled her tightly in. I held on and tried to will the ache in my chest to subside. I still had Tess in my arms, and I would be damned if I was going to lose her over something as silly as something that only served to change what we called each other. Not that I thought it would. Girlfriend or wife, Tess would always just be mine. And I would always be hers. That's all that mattered to me.

I cupped the back of her head and breathed her in — my beautiful woman, sleeping so peacefully — and resolve settled over me. I knew what I had to do. I had to propose. I needed to let her know that I wanted it too, and rid her of all those thoughts of leaving me because we weren't moving forward. Let her know that I really did want forever with her.

"I don't know how to do this," I hitched, overwhelmed. "I don't know what you want me to do. I mean, you're the romantic, not me. I am just a hopeless, emotionally stunted person. I don't know how to..." I took a deep breath and pulled Tess in tighter, whimpering a little when she, in her sleep, did the same.

"But I can't lose you. I can't. So tomorrow I'm gonna do something great for you and ask you to be mine. Forever. Till death do us part."

I kept my hold firm, and finally allowed myself to drift off to sleep, the sounds of Tess being as soothing as ever and helping to pull me under.