Lady Red Cloak

Him

A few days later

Ever since that night, he seemed to be everywhere - much like Kili used to be. Today he didn't seem to be though, we'd never spoken a word of how each other felt and I had to keep reminding myself that he was 'Fili' first, then prince of Durin...that made courting seem a little more manageable but not yet within fathomability. Pacing back and forth in my chambers had done nothing but weaken the soles of my shoes, the dwarf still consumed every thought and every memory

It couldn't be so bad, could it? I'd have support of his family in the end...maybe. I'd have the support of Balin definitely, my father would need a sit down. Wouldn't my life be somewhat normal? I'd still eat and drink in the hall, maybe in a different seat but in there never the less. I'd either move to his chamber or mine, depending on convenience...I had to sleep with a man, that wasn't something I was prepared to think about!

What if Fili saw me stark and bare, and thought I was no more beautiful than a goblin, or there simply wasn't enough of me. What if he was repulsed by what he saw? Or I did something wrong when it came to consummating our love for one another? What if I ruined it? What if there was some secret way meant for just royalty? What if my hair got caught in his clasps? What if I injured him? Every thought made me shudder and cling to my clothes more

What if I didn't like it? What if the pain of the act was too much? What if he was rougher than expected? Or simply wasn't attracted to me enough to be able consummate? Did my dresses make my body seem more than it was? What if I was a bad kisser? What if he was? What if on our wedding day, I tripped? Or there simply wasn't a shade light enough that didn't make me look like a corpse? What if he lost interest once wed?

It was now late evening, and the paragraphs of questions running through my head hadn't stopped for a moment turning into raw stained cheeks from the salty streams of turmoil. I was careful not to let them stain the translation parchment Thorin had sent for this morning, both in fine ink. One was translated from Quenya and the other was foolishly written in moon runes so I had to wait until dark outside the back of the mountain before returning inside

When the man I called my father came in, I was sat at the dining room table with my arms wrapped around me knees staring into nothingness, an untouched dinner a little away. Tears of confusion slid down my cheeks, I'd found the person who was meant to be my 'one'...yet I wasn't allowed to have him, what kind of fate was that? Not only was he one of the court but he stood for the kingdom whom hated my mother's race with a passion, perhaps he did too?

The dwarf's approach was slow and cautious as he lowered his axe dropping it against the table as he knelt next to the surface. It was cleaner than a few nights ago and a number of chairs had been removed for the sake of space "As a child, you said as a woman – the only time I'd ever see ya cry was if you found your 'one'" my eyes shifted upwards as if to stop the tears laughing slightly at the memory

"Oh how I wish I wasn't right..." Dwalin's empty hands clutched mine on top of my legs after I lowered them into a less defensive position "you also said you'd kill the dwarf whoever dare to take me away from you" his eyes drifted momentarily over to his axe "Oh stop- you can't kill this beast" Dwalin's face shifted into one of offence, while I couldn't help but smile at his display - it was how I'd expect him to react

He gave me hands a little squeeze while smiling broadly "I can kill any beast" I nodded slowly in defeat, that's what Dwalin told me anytime I was afraid of the monsters outside my window as a child - that when he was near, no peril would go undefeated and we'd make up the most eccentric stories of how they'd fall at my father's axe...usually to Balin's annoyance, it would wake me up more than put me to rest

"Not a Durin, adad (father)" Dwalin's expression stiffened immediately. As far as he was aware, the dinner was the first night I'd met both - a dinner Balin had requested on behalf of his peace of mind. The night had given the opportunity for the dwarf who'd one take his child from him to slip in and make his mark...and now I was sat here almost more scared than anyone in Erebor, all because of that chance

"This feeling, I don't think I want it- please take it from me?" He stood cradling my head against his lower chest not knowing what to say "it's all too frightening for me to bare" his grip on me tightened as if I'd slip away at any given moment, being sick was so much more preferable to this endless sea of puzzlement and unsureness - at least then there was something to do with the toxic feeling inside, I could upchuck it or beat my fists against the stone bath

"Which lad is it?" My head moved so that my chin was against his sternum rather than my cheek daring to look the man in the eyes. Kili was amazing, like a newborn hound full of energy and wonder, he cared more than he had to - that dwarf had the best jokes and I loved him...but not in the way I did with Fili. All those small looks across the room, his wordless concern...then there was that touch

His hands worn from battle yet softer than the snow in the misty mountains. There was no fiery passionate kissing that came with realisation, there was just a sense of quiet acceptance - all he'd ever asked of me was my well-being which was kindness as it's best "Fili's good. The lad will treat you well" Dwalin sniffed his tears away through his sentence...it must've been worse knowing this wasn't a step I wanted to take...

But it was all that was left...