While We're Here

Part 3: Non-consensual change

Part 3: Non-consensual change
Pour your heart out but be prepared for nobody to listen.
Speak now since you don't know when you'll give in.
I'll fall but that doesn't mean the rain will stop pouring then I'll stand but the sun will refuse to greet me.
I must accept my existence for I cannot find its meaning

13. They say
And they said they loved me
But none of them knew my name
I asked them what if I change?

They said

That just means we'll have to stay the same

Be the constant variable in your cycle of pain
So much to lose
But even more to gain

So if you change
Make sure you're certain of how much each option weighs

You have a kind heart
So you tend to make mistakes
Kindness
A commonly abused trait
You know this but it's something you refuse to contemplate

That's why we're here
To make sure that when you walk you walk straight
Stick to your path
Be it love or hate

Now wake up
We're here now but
That doesn't mean we can stay

14. In exchange for everything
The intimate need to see death
Say it out loud
Tell them what it feels like

I didn't know what to do
Not while I was still alive
Standing with the shinigami
The grim reaper
Asking the very last tour guide
To give me another try

He wouldn't lie
No death wouldn't lie
He'd tell you the truth
But he'd never give you another chance
Never let you go back
But before you leave he will let you glance
Glance at what you're leaving behind and why you no longer need to dance

The intimate need to see death
Who knew he was so nice
If only I could say it out loud
To the ones he has yet to meet
Tell them he let me see
Let me find closure at my funeral
Even when I didn't have a seat

He tamed my fear
Held my hand
If only I could tell then what it feels like
To finally end the dance
To no longer have a chance

15. Living
You will forever be someone I adore
But to chase to after you
I can do that no more

No more resting upon your shoulder
I'll no longer cry into your arms
I'll find comfort in my own

I'm happy I cried to you
For you
And no one else

I've lived for you
Now I live for myself

16. By oneself
I know a lot of people
But don't have too many friends
I see you now
And I'll hear from you again
But as always I'll be alone in the end

But that's okay let me not pretend
Like this once unknown feeling
Hasn't become my best friend

At first it it felt wrong
At first I felt left out
But now its where I let myself out

An escape from when I feel too involved
Or feel nothing at all
Alone when I fall
And when I'm at my best
I'll be alone and stand tall

Maybe this is peace
Perhaps that's all
Something I experienced
but no one ever saw

17. Free fall
Its about having fun after all
Dreaming, waking up
Having no one to call
Then learning how to stand
When we fall

It's not about healing or self discovery
It's about intentionally getting lost
Jumping no matter the cost
Moving on even when it feels wrong

It's too complicated to runaway
But nothing makes sense when I stay
So I close my eyes and breathe
Decide when I cannot see

Because I don't want everything I do to have meaning
I just want to know that I smiled and had fun while I was still breathing

I just want to be reckless while I'm young
Please believe me

I know that you're here
I know that you'll miss me
But I'll be back
I'll be back if I ever feel free

18. Positive service announcement
And everyone we know now we didn't know back then
So we might not know them later
I honestly couldn't tell you when
and the hurt will rise when you realise
You'll never see them again but
That doesn't have to be how it ends

Be one of those people that appreciates all the good memories they brought before the end
Be one of those people that learns from but never relives the bad days
People come and go
Some arrive and stay
It will always change
Not all relationships can be the same

I just need you to learn how to remember, forget and rewrite some names
Because we often make the same mistake of prioritising the name when their story matters all the same

We're all going to die
So don't leave your legacy behind with people who didn't want you with them while you were alive Positivity just like its counterpart never dies
So reassure yourself now
Do you want to leave behind the type of energy that will construct better days or will you plant the seeds of the world's most common emotional brand "pain"

In a world where your life and mine could be one in the same but Different in almost every single way I don't want to look at you at your worst and think that could have been me today
While you look at me at my best and think I could never be that way
So what do you say will you try to place yourself in a more positive place?

Finally we've reached the end, part 3 can be described as a stationary state of comprehension. Attempting to accept  rather than understand what has happened. Attempting to accept the good, the bad, and the effect those things have had on how the young man has felt, how he acts and more importantly who he is. Learning to realise that moving forward is important but  that does not mean things will get better. Instead he must acknowledge that he must live, breathe, fail, suffer, cry, smile and succeed. How he looks towards life after this acknowledgment? This is up to him whether he chooses to be pessimistic, optimistic or neither is determined by this very state of comprehension. Where he goes after this is up to him as long as he can remember that he does not always have to be something in the present moment. He is allowed to feel nothing and be nothing until he knows who or what comes next. He is allowed to be contempt.

Outro
I've said a lot and realistically I don't know if any of it mattered. I can't give each person who reads my work a connection to it. All I can do is hope. All I have is hope, hope the meaning and the intention behind my words comes across.
No one knows what's coming and unfortunately we no choice but to accept the past but as we find ourselves in the present we can try, try to make sense of it all. We can try to understand and I hope these poems, this story helped us all do that.

A special thanks to:

everyone I interacted with between the release of the sunset soliloquy and now. Every conversation shared helped shape this book and myself just as much as the life experiences I had on my own. No one conversation or moment with someone is responsible for this book but my thoughts alone were not enough to create something this complex either. So if you feel you've ever had a significant interaction with me thank you.

Tshiamo Hlomuka for not only constantly supporting my work and being someone I could go to when I had good news to share but for gifting me an actual physical notebook which I used to write and conceptualize " while we're here ". All your actions meant a lot and contributed heavily the creation of this book. You are immensely appreciated.

Last but not least I'd like to thank myself for sticking to it. Continuing to write even when it felt like no one wanted to read my work. I did well and tried my best to create something beautiful.

And to all those that read this far
Thank you
You are appreciated and may we meet again when I decide to pick up my pen.

Sincerely.
jawndrago