MADHOUSE || PJM

#10

she looks at me suspiciously and takes a look inside my room.
"who were you talking to?"

"no one.. i was just talking to myself."
great, now she really must think i'm crazy.

"the psychologist is waiting for you. i came to make sure you wouldn't miss your appointment again."

oh.. i completely forgot about that. i hate talking to him. he makes me talk about my parents all the way. but right now i have no other option.

"fine."

"i'll walk you to his office."

-

i walk beside my teacher, until she stops in front of his office. all the psychologists' offices are located on the second floor, and because my psychologist is a male, his office is located on the boy's side of the building, so this is the only time i'm allowed to cross over to their side.

i let out a long sigh and enter.
i take a sit at his desk and wait.

"how are you, y/n?"
dr. kim arrived and sat across me, smiling although i'm not.

"i'm fine."

"are you sure?"

"yea, can i leave now?"
i ask even though i know the answer.

"no, why don't we start with a bit of honesty? how are you really feeling? you can't suppress your feelings forever."

"i'm not suppressing anything."

"really? then can you talk to me about your parents?"

my eyes fill with tears immediately, like every damn time thinking of them.
"don't mention them."

"those tears show you are suppressing your feelings, y/n. look, i'm here to help and to listen. i know it hurts and the easiest way out is to act as if the pain wasn't there. but it is there, y/n, right there."
he points at my heart.
"you have ti confront it, assimilate it, so you can start healing."

i stand up from the chair, agitated.

"assimilate it? how can you ask me to assimilate something like this? you don't know anything about me, you don't know any of the pain i'm feeling it what happened to me and my parents.."

"y/n, sit down."
dr. kim gestured me to do so.

"no..! i'm making an effort every day to stand up and keep living. i lost everything. that monster took my family away from me."
my voice slowly cracks.
"i have nothing, just fades memories of that horrible night, and i try to keep them out of my head because they hurt me! it hurts every time i remember them."

"y/n.. breathe."

"no, you wanted me to talk about my feelings so there you have it. i have nothing but pain and emptiness inside me. i hate myself because i'm here, breathing, as they rot in their graves."
i sit down, holding my chest as i shakily breathe. i cry in silence. the pain is too devastating.

suddenly, i feel a pair of hands on my shoulders.
"you'll be fine y/n. the pain is overwhelming right now and it clouds everything in front of you.. but with time you'll heal."
he lets me cry in silence until i lost track of time. when u finally stop, i wipe off my tears, embarrassed.

"do you feel better now?"

"yeah.. a bit.. thank you."

"good. crying is the best way to get rid of all the accumulated feelings inside you, it's one of the best medicines."
he says kindly when a knock on the door interrupted us.

"come in."
dr. kim says as he walks back to his desk. a man in uniform enters the office.

"good evening, i'm detective jung."
he looks at me.
"are you miss y/n?"

"yea."
i nod.

"i need to speak with you."

"what's going on detective?"
dr. kim asked.

"i'm in charge of y/n's family murder case."
he explained as i feel my chest tighten.
"i would like to know if there's any modification to your declaration, if you remembered something new, and if you could collaborate with my painter to create a portrait of the murderer."

i shake my head, my breathing accelerating again, making it hard to breathe.

"she doesn't remember that night."
dr. kim added.

"but she saw the killer, when we found her she had cuts and wounds all over her arms and legs. her clothes were a mess. everything indicates she fought with the killer to survive."
detective jung tilted his head and had his gaze on me still. i feel so confused because i don't remember any of that. it's like there is a huge blank in my mind, not allowing me to remember anything.

"detective, i think it's enough. clearly she doesn't remember anything."
dr. kim continued talking in my place.

"but she is crucial in our case, she's the only witness, dr. kim. that criminal has killed four families before hers, and she's the only survivor."

"detective, i want to help. i want justice for my family. but right now i'm not very useful as i don't remember anything about that night."
i spoke up, looking at dr. kim.
"is there any way that can help me remember that night?"

"i'm not going to let you do that, y/n. you're barely assimilating your parents' death."

"this is my decision dr. i can't live knowing that the killer is still somewhere and i'm doing nothing about it."

dr. kim let out a long sigh.
"okay, we might be able to do a hypnosis to help you remember."

the detective walks closer to me.
"well, here's my card. if you remember something contact me immediately."

i take his card and nod, making him smile at me.
"you're very brave, y/n."

i return the smile, although i don't feel brave at all.
"thank you."