We All Carry Ghosts

✩ Dear Pixie Girl ✩

✩ Dear Pixie Girl ✩

You were my creative ghost:

The one who let me linger in childhood a moment longer,

Who showed me why I had to grow up,

The girl who taught me so much more than I ever

Knew I needed to learn.

You always had such big dreams

And that relentless sparkle in your eyes.

I thought you were too young to be a best friend,

But looking back, I know you were right—

We were best friends,

If only for a short, fleeting moment.

I often wonder about you:

How you are doing,

What you have done,

Who you have met,

Why we fell out of touch when we still live within the same city walls.

Maybe I just wasn't ready to accept

That our favorite memories would one day become

Faint and lingering trails of golden dust.

Maybe I wasn't capable

Of accepting that every journey we made,

Every life we dreamed into existence,

Would eventually slip away.

Maybe I somehow knew all along

That one day what we had would be no more,

That one day our immediate bond would vanish.

But it was real.

We happened in Inception:

Living that extraordinary life

And growing old as best friends

Until one day we woke up

And were suddenly young again.

I wish I could tell you that I saved it all:

Every ALL CAPS text,

Every role-playing email,

Every version of the Big Four fanfics,

Every reminder that what we had was special.

I wish I could tell you that I saved every scrap

Just to prove that it was more than a fever dream.

I'll never forget the day you published your first novel,

And my name was laid in print for all the world to see.

You thanked me for being there at the very beginning...

For walking with you through that very first draft.

You said you could never thank me enough

For believing that your book

Would one day be loved by more than just us.

I think that was when I finally knew

We were leaving Neverland for the last time.

I hope you know how proud I am

Of the lost girl who was my friend

And of the pixie girl you've become.

I hope you know that I'll always be here,

Watching from the outside

With a silent smile.

I hope you know that I don't have any regrets.

I hope you know that I understand

Why sometimes we say thank you

When we really mean goodbye.

✩ Author's Note ✩

One of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn is that not all friendships are meant to last forever. Sometimes a friendship is only supposed to last for a season, and once that season has passed, the friendship does, too.

That loss is what Dear Pixie Girl is about. I wrote the first draft a few years ago when I realized that writing to her was the only way I could find closure. While she and I were able to meet up again, I know that our friendship will never be the same as it was all those years ago. So, when I was getting ready to post this poem, I found myself revising it to better express where I am now.

I've found my closure with my dear pixie girl. I'm eternally grateful that we were able to reconnect for that brief, fleeting moment in time because it allowed me one more glimpse into how far we've come, how much we've both grown, and how proud I am of who she has become.

I never showed her this poem because I wasn't sure how she would react. But if you happen to see this, pixie girl, I hope you know that when I look back on all that we were and all that we did, I smile.

And if given the chance to do it all over again, I would...every time.