RETURNS TO NOTHING / AKIANGEL

nine

it takes two weeks for aki to, well, as himeno had put it: "get his thoughts together." it had been strange to see angel in his classes and not immediately be by his side the second class had ended or even when they had breaks.

he always sneaked glimpses of him even though he knew angel would never do the same for him. angel always seemed too busy– always in his own head. his eyebags had gotten worse, he'd notice. it's such a strange thing to notice when angel won't even look into his eyes yet here he was staring at his eyes as if it held all the secrets in the world.

it was odd– aki would have thought that he would have despised angel the second he ignored him and yet he's still thinking about him. he's stupid. he knows it.

angel could have screamed at him to get out of his life and to stop loving him but something in aki knew that he couldn't. maybe he was being foolish. maybe. maybe not. all that he really knew was he could not stand another day of not being in angel's life.

the engine hums quietly as aki drives, his hands slightly shake. he does not know whether it is from the cold or his nervousness and he does not want to know.

the music that aki has put on in the background does nothing to help that pit of dread slowly forming in his stomach. somehow the music numbs his brain to the point where within what feels like a few seconds, he is parked outside angel's home.

he practically drags his feet as he stands in front of angel's home, ringing the doorbell. he can hear shuffling inside the house to be met with angel's mom. she is shockingly not fuming the second she sees aki. angel must have either not told her or he did and she is very understanding.

"uh, is angel home?" aki asks.

she nods as she smiles, the smile lines near the eyes crinkling as she speaks, "he is."

"can i talk to him?"

she nods, "yes, you know where his room is–"

"um," aki clears his throat, "i meant out here, alone."

"oh!" she says and pauses for a moment before nodding fairly quickly, "of course. i will go get him. give me one minute."

aki nods as she enters her home, closing the door behind her. aki steps away from the door, giving a few feet between him and the door so as to not suffocate angel.

the door opens and aki swears he sees angel almost laugh in his face at the sight of him.

"are you here to make me suffer more?"

aki stares at angel in disbelief. it's cold, he's so cold. he's shivering as he watches angel do the same on the steps of his home. he's wrapped in a sweater that he recognizes as his own.

aki's lip trembles, "you think i wasn't suffering? you really think i wasn't?"

aki watches as angel lets out a shaky breath. he doesn't know whether it was a shaky laugh or an exhale. he's not sure if he wants to know what it was.

"you have a lot of fucking nerve to even-"

"and you have no nerve at all!" aki shouts, not caring whether his neighbors heard him or not, "did you think i was with you for no reason? it was your heart, angel! you were all heart! you were my heart! don't you know that?"

"...what?" angel asks, his cold breath coming out in the air.

"i love you." aki says as he watches angel stare at him with what he thinks is anger in his eyes.

"i love you, angel." he repeats.

angel brows furrow, "just stop!"

"i love you so much." aki says, watching as angel eyes him cautiously, "i love you– today, tomorrow, forever! if i were to live a thousand lives, i would spend every second with you and i would want to be yours in every life!"

"just get the fuck out of here!" angel shouts, staring at him with disbelief.

"angel don't you understand that–" aki begins before angel abruptly interrupts him.

"and don't you get that i don't care?!"

aki pauses. what? isn't this exactly what angel had wanted? he wanted him to say that he loved him and he did yet nothing was working out.

"what do you want me to say angel?" aki asks as he watches how angel's brows furrow from how aki had softened his voice now, "i mean, i told you i loved you and that's exactly the thing you got upset about. i should be angry too, you know."

"are you not?" angel asks, his voice nearly a whisper.

"i wanted to be." aki answers plainly, "i wanted to know why you didn't fight or scream at me when i walked out. you wanted this so badly but you wouldn't fight for it– why?"

angel fidgets with his own fingers, staring at them instead of aki, "i'm used to it. i guess it was a matter of time before you walked out just like everyone else."

"i won't." aki watches how angel's head darts up at the sound of his words, "you thought i would just choose to live without you?"

angel nods, "you seemed to do quite fine without me for those few weeks."

"i did horribly without being near you those weeks." aki laughs softly, "you know how many times i got drunk those few weeks?"

"is that a rhetorical question?" angel asks as aki steps near his own shivering body.

"it was." aki nods, "but it was enough for the whole year, i think."

angel nods, "right." a beat pauses as he continues on, "i am sorry, you know, for the way i acted. i was not used to actually being wanted for once."

aki chuckles, "i find it very hard to believe that, you know?"

angel shrugs, his breath shuddering from the cold still, "well, it's the truth. i guess too many people find me odd and off putting."

"not me though." aki says, "i like you for that."

"i know." angel says simply and that's enough for him, "i know."

aki sighs as he leads angel inside of his home, aki watches as angel steps up to his house as he speaks once more, "you know we're definitely failing the class, right?"

aki has never seen as much emotion in angel's face as his eyes go wide with shock laid upon his features, "fuck."