you were never ready to get kids. sometimes i feel like you were never ready. you were never there in my childhood, always at work, leaving when we were still sleeping, coming home when we were asleep. did you do that on purpose? did you avoid us? didn't you want to see us, not even one time? you were never ready to take responsibility and to care for two other humans in your life. why did you marry? do you regret it now? you were never there when i was a child, only now you're suddenly in my life. you're trying, trying so so hard to be my father because you never were when i was a child. but can't you see it's too late? i'm not stupid and not naiv anymore. when i was little, i used to sit alone, now you're sitting next to me, trying to make a conversation with me. i'm uncomfortable around you. you were never there, you never did things like this so how am i supposed to feel comfortable, baba? now that you're ready to be a father, it's too late. i've learnt to live without a father. it's not your fault that everyone thought you were ready baba. but it's also not my fault for wanting my fathers love even if it was just a little. blinded by my love for you, i waited for you to come home every night. i failed. why were you coming home at zero o'clock, baba?
i always wanted you to pick me up, carry me everywhere. wanted to see everything with you. how do you plan on doing that now? now that years went by and you missed the chance.
