Ya Allah, i don't know when all this started. maybe it was in 6th grade? when i first saw him sitting in the corner of the latin class laughing with his friends. back then it felt like love at first sight. i thought it would be a small crush, i would get over it soon but time passed and i couldn't stop thinking about him, while he didn't even know my name. more time passed and 7th grade came, the classes were mixed and new people were put together. i was put in a class with him. my heart was gonna explode. i saw him everyday, studied the way he walked, talked, ran, looked, saw, studied, read, moved, everything i watched him do everything. even the way he would hold other girls and kiss them. it hurt. it wasn't that bad when he first started dating because the only thing kids do in those stupid relationships is look at eachother shyly and maybe hold hands. but now? now it hurts. he cuddles her, kisses her, holds her and talks to her the way i want him to talk to me, hold, kiss and cuddle me. i wish this test wasn't this cruel, it feels like my heart is being torn apart again and again and again, but with just one look or one mention of my name from him it feels like my heart is floating to the sky, passing the barrier between us and space, floating around the sun, the moon and everything outside of their orbits. it's so bittersweet. i loved having small crushes, i loved having a reason to go to school, i loved this feeling but once i caught feelings for him and i realized that maybe this would evolve into more than a crush i instantly knew that i was doomed. it's like no matter what type of euphoric feelings he causes inside of me, i know exactly i'm gonna slowly go insane. i know exactly that this is gonna hurt me, this is how i will experience my first heartbreak. i prayed so many times that he would convert to islam, that he would love me. i guess this is not what Allah SWT has written for him. today our hands touched, his hand touched mine roughly and on accident but Allah why? why did it feel as though my whole life has been completed? as though my whole existence was waiting for this moment? Allah my heart cannot take this, i love him.
