event horizon

Revelations

I think it's time to take a step back again.

I feel as though the past few days have been very enlightening, however nothing big has really happened. Everything is changing, just in small ways. It is coming to the end of my term in my school's dorm council, the student store I work for is changing when it meets to a time I've not even on center, my mate and I finally had our second official date after 3 years of being together. Perhaps the energy of the changing seasons is affecting me. Although, not all of the change has been to something completely new. Last night I had a few flashbacks to earlier in this life, which I usually struggle to remember at all. It was brought on by seemingly nothing. It made me think about a lot of things, and I even started to indulge myself in rereading a comic I used to love in elementary school.

Today, I was made aware that someone I have known in the supernatural community has finally shifted. While I wouldn't really consider him a friend, I have in the past and I know a bit about his journey. While I celebrate his success, I can't help but wonder; where am I lacking? Everyone's journey is different, but I would be a liar and a fool to try to convince myself that I didn't feel any amount of envy. My heart aches, and my usual divination method was giving me a lot of answers that directly opposed things it has told me before. I don't exactly feel I need to cleanse it, moreso... I believe it is telling me I need to stop looking for answers the easy way. I need to really do some soul searching.

With the pit in my heart, I started to feel a bit overwhelmed. Everyone in my class talking at once certainly didn't help. But... I let my gaze drift away from my laptop. The light blue of the river greeted me from beyond the docks. I closed my eyes. In my head, I called for help. I think I meant for my higher self, or whatever guiding spirits I may have. But I felt a connection to the river. Maybe just because I have lived within 15 minutes walking distance of it my entire life, but... I don't know. I think I realized that this river has been a comfort to me since I first saw it. In my mind's eye, I saw and felt it stretch watery tentacles to hold me, and I was enveloped in a moment. My racing heart stilled, the thoughts running across my mind silenced. I am the last person that would tell you that the water is gentle. There are tsunamis, hurricanes, storms... But in that moment, it was like nothing else mattered. I could just exist. When I opened my eyes, everything looked different. More vibrant perhaps, but with a slight blue filter. The blue faded over time, but the feeling was still there. The feeling that things have changed. The rain had stopped. Sunlight shone through the window.

All I could think was, "how could I forget this feeling?"

Sure. Autistic people are drawn to the water because it helps with sensory overload, and yes, if someone overheats of course they would want to do something that would help them cool off. But these feelings, this depression, this connection is not normal. I have loved the water since I was born. As a child I would sit in the bath for hours on end, I would ask to take a bath at any house we visited, I was able to swim well enough to go on the waterslide when I was 5 years too young. Fish follow me in stores, sharks scrambled over each other to be pet by me, a ray jumped out of its tank to hit me. Sure, animals in general like me, but I don't feel this strong a call to any other habitat or element aside from space.

I don't want to be aquatic. The ocean is frightening. It's full of parasites and poison. It's cold. You have to worry about radar. It is so much easier to be a land animal. You don't have to worry about staying close to the water. Being aquatic is not something I want for myself. But when I imagine being under the waves... It's like I was meant to be there. I can't imagine myself living a happy life away from it.

I think I've been letting my biases fuel my supernatural journey more than I thought. And so... I will be taking a step back from the physical shift. I'm going all the way back to the 'fantasy' shift, so I can figure out what I am. I'm going to work specifically on my call to the sea first - I feel it deserves that after I denied it so.