blank open eyes | reiner braun x reader

chapter fifteen

Your final moments with Reiner had been spent in something akin to silence, neither of you having the strength to put your thoughts into words.

Though, truthfully, there hadn't been any time for the conversation before he left. Leading up to the day of his deployment, Reiner had spent his hours in trainings and meetings, and the remainder of his time was spent with his family.

As much as you missed him, you were, in all honesty, glad he hadn't had time to give you a proper goodbye. If you'd gotten him all to yourself again, Reiner wouldn't have had the strength to leave, and you wouldn't have had the strength to let him go.

You'd shared a quiet goodbye with Pieck and Porco.

Porco, as usual, hid his pain easily. A painted smile never left his lips.

"Please be safe," you'd said, and he'd ruffled your hair, promising you there was nothing to worry about.

Porco hadn't wanted to leave Marley, but he pretended like he didn't care, always so confident and collected in moments like that. You were grateful for his certainty—how he vowed to make it back to Liberio one way or another.

Then, Porco ran off with Colt, and Pieck lingered longer, trying her best to ease your worries just as Porco had done.

"It'll be fine." Her hands ran down your shoulders, soothing you. "Try not to worry too much."

Although, with everything that had happened recently, you couldn't help but worry. Your near-death experience had shed an entirely new light on the battlefield, and you weren't sure what you'd do if one of them didn't make it back safely.

Of course, Porco and Pieck—they were survivors. With all the pain they'd endured, they wanted to stare life in the face and declare themselves the winner. Above all, they were optimistic and hopeful that in the end, things would be better. They had a kind of hope you'd never been able to match. Even in the worst of times, there was always another, brighter side.

You were almost certain, from the depths of your soul, that they would come back to you.

When you really thought about it, it was Reiner you worried about the most. You'd noticed the subtle changes in him, not only over the course of the past week, but of the past year. The past month. Everything that had shifted in him since the moment he'd been declared a Warrior.

He was a survivor just like the rest of the Warriors, though it was different. He'd been through enough to realize that things were mostly bad, and even when they weren't, the good things didn't last forever. He greeted his own morality like the people he passed daily on the street; the ones who knew his name, but he couldn't call a friend.

Reiner wasn't afraid of death, and you'd grown fearful that he'd welcome it with open arms.

The subject was one you were too scared to bring up. You had no idea how to even begin unraveling that, how to ask him, and so you left it alone. When those thoughts came, you did as you always had. You buried them deep down inside of you, ignoring even the slightest itch at the back of your skull.

Still, the fear came knocking at your door every so often. Despite Reiner's promise, you had trouble convincing yourself that he'd get back to you. If he were injured gravelly enough, would he even bother to fight, or would he just let the borderlands consume him?

The cyclical thoughts continued for the next two months, leaving you in an automated state, never quite able to find your way back to normalcy. You woke up, you ate, you worked, you slept. You cleaned when you were anxious and trained as you healed. Somedays, you didn't know how you got through the day, and by the end of it, you curled into a ball at the edge of your bed, unable to do anything but stare at the sheets beside you.