Loving The Knight's

The Day of the Funeral

Today is the day of Jon's funeral service and I really don't know what to feel. I've kinda been dreading it. Funerals can be too emotional. Jordan has been working on his Eulogy, it's given him some focus which I think has helped him. He still hasn't really said too much in the last few days and he's been just sitting staring into space.
Since yesterday, I've been trying to decide on what I'm wearing. I have decided on wearing a plain black knee length dress, tights and a little black blazer jacket.

This will be the last time that I get to say goodbye to Jon. I'm doing my makeup when Jordan comes into the room, he sits down in the chair in the corner of the room; rubbing his stubble. I see he's already put on his shirt, pants, shoes and has some ties in his hand. "I'll help you with that, J. I'm nearly done here." He watches me intently. His stare is intimidating. Now that I've finished applying my makeup, I go over to Jordan and help him pick out a tie. I ask him if he'd like me to put it on him to which he nods. Being this close to him; I can smell his aftershave and see the tiredness in his beautiful eyes. I miss seeing him smile. His face when he smiles, it radiates his energy. "I just want today to be over with Felicity." His eyes look downward at the floor. The fact that he's used my full name is rare from his lips, to me it shows how he feels about todays' event and how uncomfortable he is. "Whatever you need today, just let me know, okay?"
Just over a few hours later, the funeral cars arrive outside.

I'm hesitant about climbing into one as I thought it was for the family but Jordan pleas with me, "please stay with me Filly." In the car there is Harley, Marlene and Allan. "Please get in sweetheart, you are a part of this family, Jonathan would want you here too." Marlene states, softly.
As we drive round the corner, I spot the Hearse vehicle in front and I feel the realness hit me. I fight back the tears that are trying to force themselves out. My hand gets squeezed by Jordan and I leave our hands to rest on his shaky knee. Slowly our car follows the hearse all the way to the crematorium. Looking out of the window, I see people lining up the streets to pay their respects.
At the crematorium, I stand by as I watch Jordan, David, Chris, Danny, and Harley all lift up the coffin onto their shoulders. I take a deep breath. The music starts playing through the speakers. I look for Sophie or the rest of the New Kids. Sophie appears by my side as we slowly walk inside. We follow behind the family and glancing behind me, the New Kids guys are right there. The priest welcomes everyone here. He starts to talk about Jon. I find myself glancing around at the hall, with my eye's landing on the coffin, there's a lovely photo of Jon. He's got a huge smile on his face. I'll miss that smile. So many people will.

I didn't even realise that one of the siblings has got up to do their Eulogy. I know that they and Jordan are the only ones who are speaking. It's Alison who's talking. She's talking about the early days. It goes quiet when she steps down. The priest is back at the podium introducing Jordan up to it. My heart is in my gut, feeling so anxious for him, knowing how hard he's finding this. He slowly starts to speak.
"I've been having trouble with whether I wanted/and feeling like I should be here talking to you all. But I wanted to make Jon be proud of me. Jon was my brother. He was my band mate, but he was also my best friend. He's always been..." he's struggling to get the words out, his eyes plead with me to help him, without saying anything, I ask him if he wants me to come up there, which he nods. I'm soon up there, keeping eye contact with him, he points to the paper on the podium. I scan it to see where he got to. I deep breathe before I start to speak.
"He's always been someone who I've looked up to. Jon has always made me want to be a better man.
I'll forever cherish the times that I've shared with the three of us, the trio is what people called us.." I glance up at him as it dawns on me that he's talking about him, me and Jon. He puts his hand around my waist as I take a moment.
"I'll miss you so much Jon, but I know that I'm not the only one. Thank you for being the person you are. I love you brother. Band mate. Best friend. The missing third of our Trio." We go to sit back down. I can feel my eyes stinging from forcing myself to not cry. I need to be strong. There are a few songs before the priest finishes. He gives us the time to say our final goodbyes where we can go to the coffin before the curtains are drawn closed.
I place my shaky hand on the coffin, then Jordan puts his on top as he says goodbye to the Trio but he'll look after me until it's our time to leave Earth. We exchange small smiles. I shed a tear as does Jordan. Other people are waiting so we make our way to the side foyer.
At the wake, the family, Harley and his immediate family, the New Kids, other close friends and acquaintances mingle. Jordan stands back, as he wanted me to stay with him, I do so. We speak to whoever comes to pay their respects and condolences but we're keeping it low-key. As Jordan has had a few drinks, I decide to stay sober for the sake of Jordan so that I can keep an eye on him. I told him that we can leave whenever he needs to go. I talk to Sophie while Jordan is talking to the New Kids.

Some hours pass by and we are now at Jordan's. As soon as we get in the house, he goes to his room to change and I do the same in the spare room, it feels so much better being in comfortable clothes. Jordan's sisters had packed some of the buffet food into some takeaway containers so that we didn't have to cook which is a godsend. I carry them into the lounge then some drinks. Jordan comes by in and says he just wants to be in his room. I go to take them back to the kitchen but he stops me and asks me to bring them up to his room. By now Jordan has had a few drinks and relaxed a little bit. He has him arm around my shoulders. "Jon would be so proud of you today. I know you compare yourself to him but you are your own wonderful person,  and that showed today in your eulogy." He somehow managed to pull me so that I'm facing him. He whispers, "I meant it that I'll look after you Felicity, that was my promise to him." I can't fathom what is going through his mind by the intensity in his eyes. "I know, Jordan. You're an honourable man." Then he moves in closer to me where his lips are just a millimetre away from my own, something in me alerts me what he's about to do so I gently pull away, "Jordan, I can't do that with you. You've been drinking, you're not in the right frame of mind and I don't want you to regret anything." He acknowledges this and pulls me close for a cuddle instead. My heart is racing. I can't lose him too, even though I've longed for us to kiss, I can't take advantage of him while he's in a vulnerable state. Not that he would ever like me in that way anyway. He needs my support, nothing else.