Partners in Speed - ver.2 (also Street Racers #2)

6. Jungkook

"You left?" Yeeun asks, eyes wide, kneeling on the couch next to me.

"I know. I fucked up. I didn't mean to. He was just..." I bite the skin off of my lips. "Pissed off and-"

"Has it ever crossed your mind that he was rarely angry at you?" she asks. I look at her searching for an answer. "Things changed drastically. He often acted mad in the past, but maybe he wasn't angry at all. Maybe he was hurt. Or scared. I don't know, I'm not in his head. But he trusted you this time. You said he was scared to tell you."

"Definitely."

"And then he was suddenly mad?"

"Yeah."

"Doesn't that remind you of anything in the past? He wasn't mad. He must have been terrified. And you left?!" She's clearly taking his side in this, which might be the first instance like that in history, and I'm not even surprised. I wouldn't take my side in this.

"I know I fucked up! I left because I didn't want to fuck up more!"

Yeeun doesn't say anything else. Instead, she takes my phone from the coffee table and thrusts it into my hands. "Apologize for leaving like that."

"He told me to go."

"I don't care, Jungkook!" she screams. I flinch. She rarely screams at me like that. "He could have cursed you out and you should have stayed! Do you think he's ever come out to anyone?! He told you because he felt safe enough, and that should have been enough for you to stay even if he punched you in the face."

I don't say anything else, because she's obviously right.

I know it couldn't have been easy for him. Starting from the last race, when he looked panicked around the guy who looked like he was flirting from miles away. Earlier, when I already knew what he wanted to say, but seemed terrified to do so.

I should have stayed, which I was going to, but I acted impulsively as soon as he raised a wall. As always.

"What do I even say?"

"Write whatever you wanna tell him," she says. "What you'd tell me as your friend."

It takes me a moment to write the message, and Yeeun hangs over my shoulder, reading it.

I'm sorry I left like that. I could have stayed. I really did mean what I've said. If you need to talk or anything, hit me up anytime.

I hit 'send' and toss the phone to the side.

"Better," Yeeun says, resting her palm on my shoulder. "Sorry for yelling."

"I deserved it."

"You know you shouldn't have told me, either?"

"I know. I was kinda panicked. And you won't tell anyone."

"Of course I won't. But don't tell anyone else."

"I won't. Promise."

I shut my eyes, hands over them, replaying the situation all over again. Against myself.

"Why did you actually leave?" Yeeun asks, like she knows I'm trying to figure it out.

I puff a sigh. "I feel like whatever I say or do might end up in a fight. I'm tired of fighting. It's either him freaking out or me being an asshole. Is it even supposed to be so difficult?"

"Have you talked about the past? Or anything between you?"

"Of course we didn't," I say. "I don't even know if we're on the same page. And that race in Tokyo-" I stop talking when she frowns.

"Is it still a problem?"

It's always going to be a problem.

"We both want the spot. We always fought for the first spot," I say.

"You don't have to fight for it anymore. The world's not gonna end if you lose."

"Yes, it is going to."

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"I can't keep losing, Yeeun."

"Because?"

"Because I can't. I don't want to lose this time. I've lost enough times against Taehyung, don't you think?" I'm growing frustrated. Never has it made things easier.

She doesn't answer right away, and then answers with a question. "Don't you think you're overreacting?"

"No, I'm not. You won't understand it."

"Maybe I will."

"You never cared about the spot. You won't."

"You can still tell me. Don't keep it-"

"You won't get it, okay?!"

Silence. I fucked up, obviously, like that's the core plan for today. Because I can barely make sense of what's on my mind. I don't see how she would. I don't want to tell her. Not this.

"Wow, okay. No need to be rude." She gets off the bed.

"Yeeun-" I reach for her hand but she moves it back.

"Leave it. We'll talk when you cool down."

Yeeun leaves the room, and it's my sign to go home. Instead, I slump down on the couch, throw my head back and close my eyes.

I don't know what would fall apart if I lost this time, and I don't want to find out. I don't know how I'm supposed to explain to her, without actually saying it, that if I'm fucking up and not winning, something is going wrong between us. We've just gotten together, after years of waiting. I'm not willing to see if it's going to crumble again, because I didn't get the Japan Race spot.

But if I do, things between me and Taehyung will fall apart. They seem to be falling apart, anyways. No matter what I do, something goes to shit, again and again. Perseverance, sure, but it doesn't work on everything. Some things are just not meant to be.

Am I being dramatic? A little bit desperate, maybe. And it's not helping anyone.