Partners in Speed - ver.2 (also Street Racers #2)

7. Taehyung

I take a day off today. Instead of work, I get into the car and drive. I fill up the tank and go, aimlessly turning and turning. Driving around the city. It always cleared my head best. And I need a lot of clarity this time. Except that this city is of no help, because of the daunting past, but unfortunately I don't have enough time to drive across the country. Daegu has always been my favorite, for some reason.

I texted Jungkook back late last night. Because it's easier to say anything through text, even if my hands trembled, I texted: I literally kicked you out. Which I'm sorry for, too. It was just a lot.

It's weird to be out. I always knew I liked men, I never let myself admit it in any way. In high school and when I started racing, I'd often make a scene, showing up with girls, so that no one would even think I was not into them.

There was one situation at the end of high school. I met a guy at a drag race on the other side of the city. He had nothing to do with the seasons, nothing to do with people from my school. Though careful, I let myself... enjoy it. For a month, though. He was walking me home once, grabbed my hand, and I enjoyed it too carelessly. Hyun saw it and blackmailed me for years. So I denied it.

But Hyun is gone and I'm 24. And I will never like women. So I might as well... let myself feel the air-kicking-squealing-blushing feelings. I might accept the fact that Jungkook knows. Accept the fact that I'm gay myself.

Because it's not wrong.

That's one thing I can't change. But there are things in my life I can change. Like racing. Driving. My job.

I could go to college. They always loved Hyun more, because he was a great student. Now he's studying law. I guess he's still studying. I don't really know, or care for that matter. They always made sure I know being a mechanic is useless.

Useless. I'm useless. What I do is useless, even if I actually love it. Because I do, and I always have.

The fucking problem is that I don't know what else I could be doing. I already checked possible college degrees. Nothing caught my eyes. Not a single thing I'd be interested in. I search for fucking jobs. Nothing, either.

So it's either nothing, doing something I don't like or being useless. What a wide fucking range of choices.

Even if I were to do something I don't like... what is even considered useful? What would be good enough? For them, I should probably be some doctor or other shit like that. Save the planet. Fix people, on a mental, physical and spiritual level. They'd probably love it if I was a priest. Possibly the weirdest idea that could cross my mind.

When I do another circle around a neighborhood, I realize it's my old neighborhood. I've driven past my old house at least seven times already. Unconsciously.

I glance to the side and see the house. See my father smoking in front of the door. I grit my teeth and stop the car at the side of the road.

I might not know what is good enough, but he sure as fuck does.

Am I going to speak to my father now? The same person who, three months ago, kicked me out of this house for not being like Jungkook and for being gay?

Yeah, I guess so.

When I slam the door, he notices me. I go as far as to walk through the gate. I can't move up the driveway. Maybe if I wasn't raging with something dire I can't name right now, I'd pull out a cigarette and smoke with him. I'd put myself above him.

He stares at me, eyebrows raised. "What do you want here?"

What I really want is to punch him. I want to cry, too, because of the entire past. I want to scream. I want to leave. I want to be fucking gone. I want him gone. I want them to have never existed. That's a bit dramatic.

I want to ask him what would make me good enough, but the words don't leave my throat. I can't do that. He's got no respect for me, anyways. If I ask him for... what, advice? I can't ask him for fucking advice.

"If you don't say what you have to say, I'm calling the police. You're trespassing," he says.

Me being here is pointless. I hate him, he hates me. Looking at him only reminds me how much. He hates me for everything I've ever done and been, and I hate him for not accepting me. Not loving me. This is all I've ever fucking wanted. A family.

They should have been there for me. Love me. Accept me.

The door swings open. I clench my fists when Hyun walks out. He smirks. Fucking evil incarnated. Why does he get all the love? Am I worse than him?

"What?" You've come back looking for help?" he asks.

"No, he knows he won't get it here," father answers him. They have an alliance. They are family.

That was a mistake. I should have left the neighborhood without stepping a foot out of the car. I shouldn't even be in this neighborhood. I did it against myself, anyway. Sometimes you have to do something stupid.

"I came here to remind myself how much better off I fucking am without all of you," I say, just so they don't know how much of a mess I am.

For good measure, I spit on the ground – second time in my life spitting on their property – and walk back to my car.

"You don't sound any better," Hyun says.

I scoff, opening the door. "And you still pay off college loans and live with your mommy and daddy."

When I drive away, I don't feel any better. I might have acted all smug and like I'm actually doing well, but God knows I'm even worse than I have been before.

I knew it wouldn't help. Being there, talking to them. Subconsciously I must have hoped it would answer my questions, clear the confusion.

It didn't. And it has to be the last time I ever voluntarily get close to them.

When I park in front of my garage, I burst out crying. Second day in a row, great. I just feel so hopeless. It's been twenty five years. How can I even fix twenty five years? I should have thought about being good enough in middle school, elementary even, and actually do something about it then.

Now it's too late.

The best I can probably do is throw myself and my life away.