Fever Dream Red

37

Eventually they quit the PDA and hop back into the car. The rest of us were silent, partly swkward and partly shocked.

But we weren't driving, so it was pretty obvious that at least one of us would have to come up with another plan.

"What do we do?" I asked.

Doug and Alfie wheeled their heads around, like they hadn't realised that the cursed car wasn't moving.

It wouldn't surprise me.

Skye cleared their throat.

"I think that we should get another ride." They announced to the crowd of the four other people in the car. "Don't you?"

Murmers of agreement followed.

"I'll go find one." Doug suggested.
"I'll come with." Alfie added, grinning at Doug.

I didn't like that grin. I had to intervene.

"Woah. Woah. Woah. Hold it right there buddy. You two are not going ANYWHERE with each
other in private. God knows what'll happen."

Smirks ensued from them both, but reluctantly Alfie stayed in the car.

I go checking with Doug. I thought it was strange how upset he was, crying and bawling. I still heard the occasional sniffle from him, but he mostly had a playful smile playing on his lips.

I thought the whole thing was beautiful, and I told him so. He blushed and started scratching the back of his neck like they all do when they are embarressed or nervous.

He giggled childishly.

He was so happy it made me sick.

I never really felt happy for people. That's a lie. Sometimes I did, but mostly I just felt bitter and envious about how well life was treating them.

I hated that about myself, always. Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had? Why was I always so dissatisfied?

I never knew.

I wondered all this whilst I watched Doug smile, and I felt the familiar twitch of the knife of envy in me.

Why couldn't someone feel that way about me?

Why couldn't I just be happy by myself?

Why did I want people to love me so badly?

Because I didn't love myself enough.

"I'm sorry." He apologised sincerly, and it took me a minute to realise he was talking about the PDA earlier, and not myself.

"Oh. It's fine. Forget it. Doesn't matter."

I stared at the floor, trying to count every pebble of the pavement, if only to distract the situation at hand.

I tried a few car doors, always on the opposite side of the street to Doug.

We were going a while. We got talking over the road.

"How long?" I started.
"What?"
"I said how long?"
"How long wh- Oh. Not- not long. Not really."
"Cool." I said, grabbing some bubblegum I had only just found in the car and putting some in my mouth.

It tasted nice. I went about popping it straight away.

"I mean. There was always something there, you know? Between us. It's only gotten worse lately. I guess with the whole situation," I spotted Doug waving his hands around manically,"things just, I don't know, heated up. I guess. Is that cringy?"
I giggled, in awe of this cute dumb man in front of me.

"No."
"Really?"
"No, Doug. You're good."
"Why are you laughing?" Doug cried, almost offended at my laughter.
"No reason."
"Okay then. Wierdo."
"Never change, Doug."
"I won't if you won't."
"That's not the phrase."
"Is now."
"Isn't, but okay."
"BINGO!" Doug held the car door in victory.

I rolled me eyes and Doug only laughed in reply.

The rest of the group joined us and we started driving.

Alfie fiddled about with the CD player and figured that there was already one in there.

We put it on and heavy rock music started blaring out of the car.

I think normally it would be turned down, but Doug turned it up. Who was there to hear it now?

We got onto a long straight road and the music pounded into my ears. It allowed little thought for little else. It was just me, the beat and the road. I could've driven on that road for the rest of my days.

It was an out of body experience. It took my breath away yet gave me life all in the same second.

It made me feel alive.

Music was my drug and in some ways I was completely reliant on it. I had not heard its hymns in what seemed like ages.

It was back in my life. I had been so alone without it.

I looked to the side and Sunny and Skye seemed equally unbothered.

It's so strange. You can never tell what people are thinking. It scares me, terrifies me. Someone could hate you and never ever mention it. Someone could be plotting to kill you and you would never know.

But someone could love you and you would never know. It makes me sick the amount of people who loved you but never told you.

I would love to know the amount. It would probably be none, but I'd like to see all the same.

All those lost invisible doors you've unwittingly walked past down the hallway of your life. Isn't it depressing to think of them all?

I thought of the pictures I left behind at The Base.

We must've been miles away then. Miles away from whatever chaos was being caused since Skye had wacked out Nick. We had all seemed to move away from that way too quickly.

Skye had flat out knocked the guy unconscious. They hadn't even had any punishment.

I wondered if Nick had staggered back to The Base or his nearest men and ordered Skye to be immediantly killed. I wondered if he still lay there. The thought of him being all alone made me slightly depressed.

I hoped that I would never die alone. The thought of it made me so sad my insides felt like they needed wringing out, wet from tears.

Maybe that was just me, alone in my dead world.