Fever Dream Red

17

It was then I realised that I was, perhaps, in love with Sunny. The idea of it set my heart on fire. It wanted to burst out of my body and race me to the moon and back.

I wanted to tell the nearest person about her and how she made me feel until that person became bored and wished they were anywhere else.

Or maybe I didn't. The sheer thought of it humiliated me.

Even so, I loved her cherry tree laugh, and her sea salt eyes perfectly framed in her glossy glasses.

I wanted to talk to her about anything and everything until the world stopped spinning around, or until she became fed up of me, or until we ran out of things to talk about. Whatever came first.

So I sat there on the grass simply breathless with joy. I thought it was beautiful that humans had the potential to be like that. To feel like that. I thought that it was beautiful that other people brought people that much glee. I wouldn't have even said it was possible before that point.

But it would never be for me. Sunny would never love or grow to love this mess of a human that was me, with my split ends and spotty face that no amount of concealer ever managed to clear up, even thought I thought that was the whole point of concealer.

Sunny would, perhaps, never meet another peron in this smashed world. She would be fine alone, I suspected, with her stubborness and kindness. She was always so kind.

I could never tell her either. That would ruin years worth of friendship. It would ruin everything. The sheer thought of it made my toes curl into themselves. It made me want to die, being that honest with someone. It would kill me, but I couldn't. I couldn't know if she felt the same way, or if she even leant in that way.

All of these thoughts and feelings digested my soul on that lush grass in the gardens of The Base. This was perhaps the worst time to fall for someone.

I felt like crying and laughing and screaming all at once. I could not imagine feeling as much as this all at once. It was like my feelings had been bottling up for days, with me ignoring them and turning a blind eye.

Now my heart pulled the cork, and let the free bubbles flow, with no warning to my head about what this would do to me.

It did everything to me.

I left the grass with no declaration, letting Sunny soak up her beauty. Not like she needed it.

It was suffocating me, these feelings. They plagued my mind and would not leave me alone, giving me little room for anything else. I had only had them for a matter of minutes and I wanted them gone.

I don't know how they had suddenly washed over me.

I wished that they had never done so. It was wicked, but I wished to tear out the strings that seemingly attached my heart to hers, no matter how much joy they had given me, because, I knew that they would give me so much more grief.

But is the extra grief worth the little love?

I strode down to the beach, where I could perhaps think clearly without humanity again ruining it for me.

I sat on the soft landscape and pondered out to the horizon. I cried a little. I laughed a lot. Whilst crying. Sheer feeling on my face.

If this is what having a crush was like, I didn't want one.

I walked along the beach then, in a desperate attempt to escape my situation. I didn't know what to do. I was as helpless as could be.

I debated running into the sea again, but I remembered how long it had taken me to get dry last time. I was shivering for hours after the fact.

I ran and I danced on the sand. I looked ridiculous. I knew I did, but who was watching?

I did this until I was breathless with exertion and not from feeling, and I stumbled my way back up to the gardens.

By the time I had arrived back I was starving, thirsty and messy.

Sunny was no longer there on the grass. I must have been around an hour or so. I wasn't too long.

I walked back into the canteen, grabbed some more caesar salad, and stumbled back into my seat.

I wasn't dished any dirty looks with my meal this time. I relished in the pleasure of no one noticing me and ate.

No one interrupted me with their flashy looks or unnecessary rules. I was just there all alone on my table, with various suited men tabled.

Once I had eaten I had no clue where to take myself and my feelings, so I just grabbed a random book on my way back out to the gardens.

I was bored as hell. I didn't even like reading much. I started reading the book anyway. I couldn't even begin to tell you what it was about. Whatever it was only weared me down more.

It was stolen from me, swiped straight out of my hands. I knew who it was straight away. Karma came around quite quickly after all. I chased her around the gardens, my breath catching in my throat and my heart pounding against my chest. It was all I could hear.

I sat on the grass and watched her laugh. The symphony calmed every sense in me, but I still had nothing to do.

This place was pretty, but it was pretty tiring after a while.

I found Doug painting the gardens. I told him my dilemma about how I was achingly bored. He shrugged and suggested I find a hobby. I found that a stupid idea.

If I could I would listen to music on my headphones, but they had taken them away from me when I arrived.

I had nothing to do, so I thought I could find a hobby. I just didn't know which one.

I thought about cloud-gazing, but that got a bit boring incredibly easily. It wasn't as fun without Finny.

I also thought about drawing. It didn't help that I was rubbish at drawing.

"That's the point, Finny. You're supposed to practise to get better." Alfie explained to me with an air of sarcasm.
"I can't be bothered to practise." I exasperated to him.
"Well that just sucks, doesn't it?"

I was hopeless at finding a hobby.

I reverted to my favourite hobby of the day; daydreaming about Sunny.