What We Stay Alive For

Chapter One: Todd Anderson Can't Have All the Answers

A/N: This fic is originally published on Archive of our Own. I thought I would post my fics here too, just for fun :))

14 December, 1969

If you would have asked Todd Anderson nine years and three hundred and sixty-four days ago where he would be in ten years, hiding alone in his bedroom is not what he would have answered.

Nine years and three hundred and sixty-four days ago he had a newfound confidence given to him by the Dead Poets Society and his dear friend, Neil Perry. He would have said that he'd be living lavishly in a big city. He would be a successful English professor, sought out by hundreds of exorbitant schools. While teaching, he would change the lives of many. Just like his own professor, John Keating.

However, nine years and three hundred and sixty-four days have not been kind. Todd has a teaching job at a normal high school and he, at the very least, lives outside of a big city. But there is someone missing that he would have never accounted for being missed all those years ago. Tomorrow is the ten year anniversary of the death of Neil Perry. Though Todd had still planned on his successes after this event, there was only so much therapy and swearing over and over again to your friends that you had moved on could do.

And Todd Anderson is hiding alone in his bedroom. The lights are shut off and, for lack of a better word, it is hot. It is three in the afternoon, eleven days before Christmas, but sweat has beaded up behind Todd's neck. It drips, drips down, begging Todd to open the poor window less than a foot from his bed. Despite this, Todd keeps his comforter wrapped around his body and buries his face into his uncased pillow.

Hours tick by and sweat continues to pool under him. It's six o'clock that evening when Todd finally decides he can no longer take the nagging from his own conscience. He opens his eyes, which are bloodshot, and tries to sit up. By the time he can do so, the window has already been opened by someone else. Charlie Dalton.

"W-When...how long..." Todd has to clear his throat, voice not at all warmed up from a day absent of speaking, "how long have you been in here?"

"Two seconds," Charlie rolls his eyes. Once the window is opened, he leans against Todd's wall, arms crossed with interest over his chest. "Air conditioning's been out. I thought I would come check on you."

It wasn't uncommon for Charlie to come in unannounced to check on Todd. It was a habit that was formed years ago when he and Charlie started living together.

Yes, they live together. And they have been ever since their graduation from Welton Academy. It's a spectacularly small apartment, their two bedroom, in the suburbs of New York City. The space has seen them through to their college graduations, the beginnings of their careers, and now it would see them through the ten year anniversary. At this rate, Todd thinks it might see them through to their own deaths, too.

Along with seeing them through, this apartment is where Charlie and Todd can pretend that everything is okay. They can pretend they're living the lives they always wanted. One where food is always on the table and the water pressure is decent. People always visit. The simple needs, really.

When Todd's parents bother to call him on the first of every month, he'll keep up the act of acting like that is the case. He'll tell them that everything has gone according to plan. His English degree was not a waste and being a teacher has filled his life with meaning. The pay doesn't matter, but he has more than he needs. That's what he says.

His parents don't know and they don't need to know the truth. They don't have to know that Todd will talk a bit louder every time his stomach starts to growl or whenever Charlie yells from the living room that the water shut off again. They don't need to know that money continues to get scarcer, depleting from Todd's wallet faster than he can keep up. His teaching job is nothing more than exactly that. He isn't inspiring or changing people and, some months, Charlie's bank job is the only thing that keeps them afloat. No, they don't need to know that.