What We Stay Alive For

Chapter Six: The Days Often Fall on Deaf Ears and Knowing Souls

31 August, 1959.

"Where do you want to go?" Todd asks as Neil ushers them out of the classroom. There are no eyes on them, besides Charlie and Knox, who question why they don't want to get to the dining room before lunch gets cold. Neil swears they'll be there soon, but a tugging feeling in Todd's mind tells him that they definitely will not be there soon.

But it does not matter. Neil's hand is wrapped tightly around his wrist and, though nothing more than friendly, Todd's ears are ringing and his stomach jumps.

"Well," Neil hums, "showing you all of your classrooms is sort of useless now, huh?" He references his past offer to give Todd a grand tour of Welton the night before. "You know...since you've already been to most of them." He sighs overdramatically, pretending to be disappointed.

Todd grins, "....so?"

"So!" Neil halts their walking. "I said I couldn't show you all of your classrooms. We still have more classes after lunch, Todd. I can show you those."

Oh, God.

"Neil, I don't know-"

"C'mon!" Neil begins walking again, his hold on Todd's wrist tightening. "We don't know anything about the new teacher, let's at least check out his classroom."

"Neil!" Todd attempts to dig his heels into the floor. "Are we sure that's a good idea? Maybe we should just go to lunch." Todd pulls his arm away, not wanting to humor Neil any further with this 'tour' if it meant being seen or caught by Keating before class. Before Todd was ready to see him again. There's only so many minutes in the lunch period and Todd wanted every second of that time to prepare himself.

"I don't think you think most things are good ideas." Neil turns to look at Todd, eyes filled with a glimmer of mischelf and excitement. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"We..." Todd's arm goes limp and he lets Neil drag him as he decides what to say. "We could get caught. What, what if Keating's super mean or something." Unlikely, of course. Not probable. John Keating was never like that, even in his rare, colder moments. He was intelligent. Romantic. And he spoke with an intense quietness that held promised friendliness in it. Todd knew that and, soon, everyone else would too. "He was a student here and, and, and, for all we know, he knows every way we could get expelled."

"Todd!" Neil laughs in disbelief. They're outside of the English classroom now. The tall, brown door looks exactly like every other door at Welton, but it's cracked open like it's hoping that someone will sneak in. "We won't get expelled. I'll tell him I was showing you around, which I am. Okay?"

At some point, Neil has nearly closed the gap between the two of them. Todd's back is pressed against the wall and Neil is leaning over him with pleading eyes. He hasn't let go of Todd's wrist. Noticing this, Todd pulls his hand away.

"Fine." Todd responds and Neil practically jumps up, elated to have won Todd over in his ideas.

"Yes!" Neil cheers, pushing open the door to John Keating's classroom as quietly, as sneakily as he can. To Neil's eyes, the room is empty but Todd remembers where Keating is hiding. He's in his office, tucked away past the door at the front of the room, composing himself before his first lesson.

Keating was, is, always so composed. But Todd, as he steps into the classroom with caution, does not know he remained this way after the events of all those years ago; after Neil died. He wonders, ten years from now, if Keating is sullenly staring at a clock, begging for a second chance like Todd was. Was Neil's death marked on some neatly kept calendar on a wall of his home? Did he live in a home? An apartment?

Did Keating go to a play ever again? Did he watch plays where characters died and cried both because of what Neil did and what he could have done if he played this character instead? Was that too morbid to think about? Maybe. But maybe Keating could find a way to place romanticism in death where Todd never wanted to.