What We Stay Alive For

Chapter Seventeen: Todd Anderson Makes Mistakes (Neil Perry isn't One)

14 December, 1959.

Two weeks, like bread off of the plate of someone starving, disappear. They are incredibly filling, filled with nothing but splendor and strawberry and the other sweet things that come with being Neil Perry and Todd Anderson. The boys spend their time like dollars, they know that they will always get change back. They know that it all eventually comes back to them. In time.

Around the sixth of December, Neil's schedule gets busier. The free time once given between rehearsals and classes strains, fading together like a kaleidoscope of swirling color. This does not hurt them, having less time. They talk in all of the open minutes available that are not focused on final exams. At meal times, they chew slower. Todd waits up for Neil at night.

If Todd does fall asleep before Neil arrives back at their dorm, Neil always makes it a point to stay up a little longer, so it's like he's still hanging out with Todd. He'll pull Todd's blanket up to his chin and whisper kind things to him. Todd's forehead never goes unkissed.

Again, they're never hurt. In the missed moments together, no one gets hurt.

No one gets hurt until Todd is the one that isn't there.

He does not mean to miss it. Todd does not mean to miss the moment Neil's father surprises Neil with a last-minute visit and a stern talking-to. Todd had originally planned for this. He was going to join Neil in their room before dinner on the night of the fourteenth. He was going to be there and he was going to help Neil stand up to his father.

But things happen.

Todd gets thrown off. Charlie asks him for help that day in Trigonometry, which he isn't so great at either. Lunch is cold and not in a good way. The History final gets pushed back. In the grand scheme of things, these are small happenings. Todd would say that his brain got busy, though. He'd say that he was down on his luck, especially when half of the showers in the locker room stop producing hot water.

He needs a breath. Todd tells Neil to shower before he does. Forgetful, Todd tells Neil to go on to dinner without him. He tells Neil that he needs to eat before his final dress rehearsal. He tells him that he'll see him when he gets back that night, that they'll celebrate. He promises to stay up no matter what this time. And Todd keeps that promise.

And he's aware of what he's missed hours before Neil gets back.

Distressed, Todd can't even try to fall asleep. He lies on his bed, fully clothed, staring up at his ceiling. He's freezing. He feels terrible. But he shouldn't call himself evil for missing the meeting with Neil's father. It's a mistake Neil will never be made aware of. It's a mistake that Todd will do anything to make up for.

He does, when Neil finally gets back from rehearsal, the clock ticks towards the twelfth hour. It is nearly the fifteenth of December. He enters he and Todd's room in near silence. The air flows from the doorway and seeps into Todd's pillow with the past and evening's truth. It does not surprise Todd when Neil crawls into Todd's bed and not his own.

Neil's father had stood in this room when Todd was not there too. He was not there with Neil, the Neil that now lies his head against Todd's heart. Neil breathes deeply, chest raising and pushing into Todd's like a pillar of Hercules off the strait of Gilbraltor. They're connected. His heart prays to Todd's for an act of altruism against all this. He worships the body that lies on this Welton bed like an altar. Todd's guilt worsens at the selfish idea of feeling guilty for this.

It's their very own world atop that box spring mattress. Their bodies meld together, fit together, melt together. Neil's weight presses Todd down. Todd wraps his arms around Neil like they'll both fall through the solid cushioning. The apology Neil does not know about lies in the hair that raises on the back of Todd's neck. The touch of hair against skin, like grass, is itchy. At some point, Neil laughs hollowly. His laughter shakes the both of them, a slow shift of tectonics. In other words, their heartbeats are reminiscent of earthquakes.