What We Stay Alive For

Chapter Thirteen: Grown and Scared of Ghosts

12 October, 1959. Three Weeks Pass. Monday.

One month ago, Todd Anderson was counting every second passing by him. He counted the seconds when Neil was near him, holding his hand, or looking at him. He counted and counted until he lost his place; then he started over again. But something changed. Todd spoke to John Keating and gained a safety blanket in him knowing the truth of being here before. Because of this, Todd is now a lot more comfortable with his time.

The trouble, however, with letting yourself be comfortable with your time passing is that, well, it will continue to pass.

And three weeks pass without Todd realizing it.

Instead of the hours and days tick-tocking steadily, the clock disappears altogether. There are no more lazy mornings or slow afternoons. The difference between evenings and full days is absolute. A week is no longer a lifetime, but the pull of a light switch.

To Todd, there is nothing left but time spent with Neil.

It is easily the best three weeks of his life. Todd lets the time out of his grasp without any trouble. Neil, as he always is, is constantly by Todd's side these weeks. The difference now, besides the absence of a clock, is that Todd is spending his days with Neil in love. He is spending his time with Neil knowing that he is in love with him.

Neil is always there and Todd loves him.

Permitting himself to gorge on growing optimism towards the future, Todd starts walking with a slight skip to his step. It's noticeable enough for Neil to ask him, on several occasions, what has him feeling so merry. Todd never answers Neil with more than a twisty, butterfly sanctuary of a stomach and a shrug.

Oh, the dread weighing down his shoulders has notably lost its pull.

But, again, three weeks have gone by and time is only becoming quicker in speed. It's been exactly twenty-one days since Todd told Keating that Neil would be Puck in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.' It's been exactly twenty days since Neil ran down the halls of the dormitory shouting about landing that very role. Today, twenty and twenty-one days later, rehearsals for the play are finally beginning.

Neil has to borrow Knox's bike to get to Henley Hall- which he was happily given access to practically before he could finish asking. Todd has a small thought that Neil might've been thankful enough to kiss Knox when he told him so. There's a very sudden lurch in chest that tells him he should get a bike, too. By the time Todd is able to consider the logistics of getting a bike, Neil is off.

All of the Dead Poets watch him leave. Charlie screams his goodbye, which makes Cameron wince.

"Quiet down and say goodbye like a normal person," Cameron says.

Charlie, who's started wiping away fake tears, responds with even louder screaming, reminding Neil that their study group is still on that night. The other boys aren't phased by the bickering, though Meeks does give Gerard a knowing look. Todd sees this look as he's pretending to not see that Neil almost loses his balance peddling.

But Todd has to laugh because he can hear that Neil is cackling at himself. When he gains a bit of confidence, Neil turns his head and grins a grin so wide, his eyes crinkle and his nostrils flare. Once Neil's long gone, melted away behind dying grassy hills, leaves, and fog, the boys remain standing outside Welton like he hasn't left at all. It's half past six when Charlie gently taps Todd to get him to move back inside.

"He'll be back by nine thirty," Charlie reminds him. Todd huffs back in response. It isn't a large amount of time, sure, and it isn't Charlie's fault that he doesn't get it. He doesn't get that Todd isn't actually sad that Neil left for his rehearsal. He only feels funny.