𝙵𝙾𝚁𝙶𝙴𝚃 𝙷𝙴𝚁࿐ ྂ ᴊᴇꜰꜰ ʙᴜᴄᴋʟᴇʏ

ᴛᴡᴇɴᴛʏ-ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

"I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A RECORD YET,

also what I told the guys at saint anns." Jeff sipped his cappuccino as he talked to Polly.

Polly did the same, warming her cold hands around her mug, not quite believing her boyfriend. "You didn't want to?"

"It's not that hard to believe. I have everything I need already, small shows, writing shit. And you, I have you right here." He insisted, especially serious about his last few words.

"Don't consider me in making a decision like that. Please."

"Why not?" he asked quietly. "I consider you in everything."

Polly was glad they were talking about what she'd been thinking secretly for months on end. There wasn't really a way he could ever understand. It would always be Polly. She would always be a consideration, always a part of him, part of his life.

"Because people deserve to hear you, other than me, Gary, and coffee shops," Polly spoke as she stood from their table in the small cafe, Jeff following her.

"Bullshit. You're enough people for me."

His response put a small smile on her face, despite that this was possibly the closest thing to a real argument she'd ever gotten to with Jeff.

"You need to do what you want." She'd slowed, still on the sidewalk, Jeff's hand falling from her grasp.

"But you're what I want."

"I can't be chosen over something you've actually worked for. Something you've loved for ages."

He shook his head. "But I love you."

"Then just..." She trailed off. "You've turned down I don't know how many opportunities, business cards. And even if I'm not the reason, I am one of them." She told him, satisfied with her words, hoping he'd finally admit to that.

Jeff said nothing, knowing she was right. He continued walking. Polly just didn't understand that he would rather play a concert for her than for a sold-out venue. Record demos on her old camcorder than a full-length studio album.

She caught up to him, staring at the side of his face.

"Let's just go home." He suggested curtly, still walking faster.

They arrived at Polly's apartment, both still silent. Polly leaned on her kitchen counter, Jeff thinking to himself on the couch.

"If we weren't together would you start playing more shows, start putting in effort in actually getting stuff out there?"

"I can do that with you. Don't talk like that." He joined her in the kitchen. "I'm sorry." He apologized quietly, not sure what for.

Yet he still hugged her, she reluctantly hugged back. She possessed an odd feeling she couldn't exactly explain, even to herself.

It felt like the beginning of an ending.

And the ending was the start of something else entirely.

When he left, Polly knew she shouldn't have ever brought up any of her worries, it obviously made him tense. Tense and away from her, she should've followed him out the door and onto the street.

Reasoned with him more. Make him understand.

She loved Jeff endlessly. And she wanted him to be who he was supposed to be, untethered from her. The kind of life he deserved wasn't the kind of life she could live, and their conversations had confirmed just that.

But could he live that life without her?

༻✦༺

Jeff had listened to her.

He'd arranged more dates for shows. Some on his own at places like Sin-è and Cornelia Street. Some with gods and monsters at the knitting factory and one show at CBGBS.

In turn for the shows, he'd given up time he would normally spend with Polly.

With Polly's newfound job, she too gave up their dear time spent together.

Less and less she would find him waiting on her sofa after her workday ended, less would she call and congratulate him on a show.

Life was speeding up for both, their relationship slowing down.

There was no time to mourn the relationship, although it seemed like it couldn't ever be truly over. For the time being, it was just lost in the flurry of life.

But you couldn't say it didn't hurt. It possibly hurt more for Jeff than it had for Polly.

She'd never truly let herself feel things to their greatest extents anyways. It was both a blessing and a curse.

Jeff felt things wholly, all the time. Feelings hit him when he least desired, and he tried to accept it, turning the heaviness in his soul into song as best he could.

The difference now was that Polly wasn't just a short phone call or walk from him so he could show her new material.
She seemed to be a world away, distant and blunt.

Jeff knew her habits all too well. She'd forget the whole thing ever happened, or try her best.

She could drink jack till it slipped from her hand in a drunken sleep and cracked on her hardwood floor, she could smoke and sleep till noon. Whatever numbed the feelings she faced.

So he decided it may have been best for him to stop trying with the woman, for one last kiss or night together.

As much as he hated to admit it, Polly was right. About everything. Although she didn't hold him back and rather inspired him to be better, she did make him question if the music was worth it.

Although he loved her more, he'd loved the music first.

And so he stared at his notebook, the blue lines of the sheet blending together into his messy handwriting as he wrote the last lines of a new song.

She was heartache from the day that I met her. My heart is frozen still, as I try to find the will to forget somehow.

'Cause I know you're somewhere out there right now.

༻✦༺