Falling For Her (Tom Hiddleston Fanfiction)

I Heard but I Saw

I had my eyes closed tight. To stop my tears of obvious relief and praise. In my head, I was mentally thanking everyone I could think of. The doctors, the 911 operator, the little traffic on the street that day, god, and Susan. I thanked Susan a lot.

I hoped that I would see Susan again. With all of her helpful and wise words. A part of me prayed that she was one of Lilly's nurses. Lilly would like her.

Minutes went by. When I became aware of the fact that I still hadn't said a word to Lilly, nor did she say a word to me, I decided to speak up. Finding the words in my mind was so difficult.

"I thought you were gone." I whispered. My body practically lay on the bed and my arms draped around her tightly.

"I'm so sorry Lilly. I shouldn't have pressured you to tell me how you felt. I shouldn't have shouted. I should have just kept an eye on you. I'm so sorry..." I rambled.

"No don't." She said, tears of her own running. "I should have told you. You shouldn't have  had to do what you did today. You shouldn't have had to worry. I should have told you something was wrong. I should have told you to bring me to the doctors when I first felt the headaches. I'm so sorry I made you worry."

"Shh." I hushed her. "Now we know. This is our lesson learned. Next time we'll be better." I mocked Susan's words from minutes ago. Assuring Lilly. Although her reaction was not what I would have expected.

"Next time." She repeated me. "Doesn't it suck? Knowing there is going to be a next time?" She smiled but her words came out in anger and frustration. "We have to repeat the worst part of life. And next time, it won't end like this. It's going to end with me in a casket and you with a broken heart." She sighed, shaking her head. "Next time.." She muttered.

"Don't talk like that." I shook my head. Even though I was thinking the exact same thing. This horrible day, is in fact going to repeat. With a worse ending. If I reacted like I did today, I can't even imagine what kind of monster i'll turn into when the doctors call time of death.

I kept on pushing the thought away. But then again, little by little, I was preparing myself. For the worst day of my life. So, to answer Lilly's question. It does suck. It sucks a lot.

I brushed my thumb against her cheek. Wiping a tear away. I took her hand and placed it on my heart. I still had my Beatles shirt on. The one she bought me. Hers was no longer on. She had a hospital gown on, and her clothes were on a table by her window.

I smiled, glancing down to her, then to my shirt and her hand. "Let it be."

She smiled, a warm one this time. Closing her eyes lazily and allowing her head to fall onto her pillow. As if the beating of my heart was a lullaby. Then she nodded. "Okay." She answered, whispering again. She looked up to the ceiling, pain still built up inside of her. And not pain from the cancer. Pain from this whole thing. The whole situation. I could notice the pain because I saw the same pain all the time, when I looked in the mirror.

It slowly vanished again. But the sound of her voice told me that pain would be back very soon. "They're gonna tell me to stay here. In the hospital. I know it."

"Well Lil, it's probably for the best. You're in the safest place you can be." I answered.

She finally looked back to me. "But I have you." She grinned. "You make me feel safe."

I laughed quietly. "Then I will stay here with you. I won't leave your side." I knew she was trying to woo me and get me to be on her side. Which usually works, but not this time. She wanted to go home. And as much as I hated the idea of spending the rest of our time in a hospital, I couldn't let her leave. For fear of having to bring her back the same way I did today. In my arms, unconscious. Next time should be the last time. Hopefully that next time is a long ways away. I looked at her, seriousness in my eyes. "Lil, we have to stay here though. I won't repeat this day until I have to. I won't risk making any more mistakes. You are safest here. With me, and with your doctors."