Falling For Her (Tom Hiddleston Fanfiction)

Confessions

Lilly's eyes barely fell on me as she built up the strength to actually speak.

"Lil, what is it? I can take it. I promise. Tell me." I whispered.

She shook her head. As if she couldn't believe me. And she mumbled something like,"I screwed up. I waited." Under her breath.

She finally looked at me. Just not directly in my eyes. She sort of stared blanking at my face.

"I told you that I moved to London, because my life was too predicable. And because I wanted to be live life better. To be clueless. I never lied. That was my goal."

I nodded, listening intently. "Okay."

"But there was a reason why I suddenly wanted to live more." She said slowly. "It wasn't just random."

"And what is the reason?" I asked.

Her shaky hand cradled the other. "I'm sick."

"Sick how?" I said, in my mind, knowing the answer couldn't be good.

She sighed. "Sick, meaning I have Leukemia." She said bluntly. As if the words in her mouth were in there too long, and she just need to spit them out.

My jaw quivered. And I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Cancer?" I tried to comprehend. It didn't make sense. "You? You have cancer."

How could that be?

"Its a cancer of the blood. And..." She started to explain but I couldn't even listen.

I interrupted. "Well. Its cancer. I mean, it can be treated. Right? There's chemotherapy. And medicine for it. People... People survive cancer all the time. Its. Its not like..."

"I turned the treatment down. My doctor recommended chemo, and I turned it down." She said.

"What?" I spat. "Y-you did what? Why the hell would you do that!?" I got up from the couch. "Oh my god." Everything began sinking in all at once. And as I came to the conclusion. I wasn't exactly, sad. I was... Angry. At Lilly. At doctors. At the world.

"You turned down the only thing that could save you?!" I said. Standing across the room. Finding it hard to even look at her.

She watched me pace the floor. Her eyes looked heavy. And glossy, from the tears lingering in them.

"You don't understand." She started.

"No. I completely understand!" I bursted out, harshly. "You want to die. You want to give up. How could you-"

"I'm tired!" She screamed over me. Halting me from saying more. She stood up and her tears in her eyes, made their way down her face, like a river.

"I am exhausted. And this is coming from a woman in her twenties, a woman who is supposed to be at the peak of her life!" She paused to breath. "This is my third time being diagnosed with the same goddam thing. And I just can't do it again. Tom, I don't expect you to understand. But I sure as hell don't deserve to be judged for my decisions. Because they were mine. Not anyone else's."

"So what? You die? You tell me you love me, then you die?" I said defensively. Confused.

"I always gave you choices." She retorted.

"Choices?" I mocked. "What choice did I have in this? To stay with you or go? Lilly. You never told me any of this! And if you think giving me choices covers up for the fact that you have been deceiving me, then you're so wrong! This relationship wasn't founded on choices Lilly."

"You act like I meant to hurt you!" She yelled. "Look, I know I screwed up by not telling you. But you have to understand that I kept it from you with the best intentions." Her voice got suddenly high pitched. It fixed itself when she spoke again. "Never in a million years, would I want to hurt you. You have to believe me when I say that."

"Then why wait?" I said. Finding it hard to speak.

She sat back down. Lifting her shoulders as she found the words she wanted to say. "This disease. This burden. Its cost me everything. My job, my education. My friends... My mom. They all gave up on me. And I don't blame them. Because, I gave up on myself." Her pleading eyes finally fell onto me, as I listened as best as I could. "Tom, you need to understand that not telling you, it wasn't to hurt you. It was to make myself feel better. I guess you can say, I was scared. And I thought, maybe if I kept it from you... You'd stay just a little longer. So I gave you choices. Instead of telling you from the start. And I realize now, how selfish I was. Because now you love me. And i love you Tom. I just..." She trailed off. Her jaw clenched as she forced herself to stop crying. "All my life has been people letting go of me. Giving up on me. And all I want. Is for someone to hang on to me. And never let go. That's all I've ever wanted."

She took her eyes off of me and her shoulders collapsed along with her head. She looked defeated.

My knees began to shake. The anger I had, was gone. And all that was there... Was sympathy. And shock. And realization.

"3 times?" I whispered.

"Yeah. Three times." She answered. Looking down to the floor blankly.

"And, your mom?" My voice cracked mid-sentence.

"She told me, that she couldn't watch me kill myself. She told me to leave."

That was it. The tears I had been building up, came running down. I touched the palm of my hand to my mouth to keep from screaming. I closed my eyes tight and dropped my head back, towards the ceiling.

Everything. It all felt like some kind of twisted nightmare. And all I wanted to do was wake up.

I finally calmed down enough to look back to Lilly.

I knelt in front of her.

"Look at me." I said quietly.

She didn't look up.

"Lilly look at me!" I demanded.

She removed her arm from her face. Letting the tears hit her jeans. And she looked me in the eyes tiredly.

"Give me your hand." I said.

With out question, She held out her limp hand and I held it in mine.

"Do you see this?" Lilly sobbed at the sight of our hands. "This is real. This is us. This, is the closest I'm ever going to get, to perfect. And I'm happy with that because to me, this is perfect. Do you really think I would ever give this up?" My eyes began to water. "Whatever happens, happens. We can't change it. But you need to know that I will never, ever, let anything come between this bond right here. Because I love you." I squeezed her hand a little tighter. Holding it up to her eye level. "Lilly. This is me, holding on. And I have no intent, of letting go."

And finally, after all the defeat and anguish inside of her, Lilly broke down. And she fell into me. Her tears falling into the crease of my neck as I held her tight. She didn't say a word. She just broke. And I was there to catch her. Just like I was meant to do.

"Shh, I'm here." I whispered. Squeezing my eyes shut to keep from crying, myself. "I'm right here. Lilly. I'm here."

Now you know! You'll learn more about her case in future chapters! Don't hate me! Think about who is telling the story. Think about the first chapter. Its all tied together. Love you all! X.Ashley