Someone I used to know

It's okay

A/N: TW: Mentions of suicide and an attempt. If you struggle with selfharm or feelings of suicide, my comments/messages are always open. I don't know if I'm the best person to help you, but I'm always open to talking. 

Once we got back into the castle, Mattheo and I walked into the commonroom. He held my hand, to give me the feeling that I wasn't alone, but I was. I felt alone. I felt like I was walking a dark path and I couldn't go back anymore. In the commonroom were Pansy and Theo waiting for us. They stood up and ran towards us after they saw us walking in. Both me and Mattheo were still covered in blood, so Pansy and Theo immediately asked us, what the hell happened. I just stared at the ground, while I could feel Mattheo looking at me. 'We're fine. My father, he... took me and he... tortured us, until...' Mattheo started. 'Until, what?' Theo asked. 'Until...' Mattheo couldn't even say it. I knew it. He hates me. He couldn't even say I killed his father. 'I killed him.' I said quietly. 'What?!' Pansy exclaimed. I just kept on staring at the ground. 'But, it's okay. He deserved it.' Mattheo said. 'Are you okay, Mattheo?' Theo asked. 'Yes, I'm fine.' 'Y/N, are you okay?' Pansy asked me. I just shrugged my shoulders. 'Okay, come with me. We'll get you cleaned up, sis.' Pansy grabbed my hands and lead me to our room. In the distance I could still hear Mattheo and Theo talking. They were talking about me. About the horrible thing I had done. 

Once Pansy and I got into our room, she lead me to the bathroom, where she took off my clothes. She then warmed up the shower and put me under it. 'Y/N, it's okay. I'm sure you only did what was necessary.' I couldn't look at Pansy either. I couldn't look my own sister in the eyes. All I could do was stare at the ground or the wall. I couldn't talk, because nothing I would say, could bring me back and take back the damage I had done. Pansy cleaned me up under the shower and helped me put on some cozy clothes, before walking me to my bed. I layed down under the covers and just stared forward, until after a while I fell asleep. 

About an hour later, I woke up because I heard someone talking. I kept my eyes closed, so I could listen to what was being said. Mattheo and Pansy were talking at the door. 'How is she Pansy?' Mattheo asked. 'She's sleeping right now. But, she couldn't look or talk to me earlier, Mattheo. What the hell happened back there?' 'I got kidnapped and tortured by my father. And after a while, Y/N arrived. She apparently made some sort of deal with my father, where he would let me go and would take her instead. She tried to make me leave, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave her there. So, I stayed. My father tortured me again and I guess something in Y/N just snapped, because she killed my father. After she did that, she healed me and fell down. She had a panic attack and after she calmed down a bit, she shut down. She didn't say anything anymore, until we were in the commonroom and she said she killed my father. That's everything I heard her say, since we left my house. I tried to tell her, it's okay and that I'm not mad, but she blames herself for what happened and I don't know how to help her, Pansy.' 'I don't know either, Mattheo. I have never seen her like this, but she will be okay. She needs to be okay. We'll make her okay again. But, for now, she just needs to get some sleep. I'll stay with her tonight, so don't worry about that, okay? You need some sleep as well.' 'Okay, thank you Pansy.' 'Ofcourse, Mattheo.' Right after that Pansy closed the door and walked back towards her own bed. I felt some tears creep up into my eyes, but I tried to blink them away. I couldn't let Pansy hear me crying, because then she would know that I was awake. So, I tried to stay quiet until I fell asleep again. 

I was back in the basement. Mattheo had just been hit by another Sectumsempra spell and was bleeding on the ground. I was just smiling looking at Voldemort, knowing what would happen next. I looked him in the eye, before killing him. I looked at Mattheo and he was still bleeding out. But, I didn't heal him. Why wasn't I healing him? Why did I leave him like that? I was holding my wand and looked at Mattheo with a smile. And instead of saying Vulnera Sanentur, I said Avada Kedavra. I killed Mattheo and all I did was smile at his lifeless body.