Letting Go Liberty

Chap 02

"Ano? Titingin ka lang ba 'dyan?" I aksed Jai nung mga ilang minuto na siyang nakatingin lang sakin habang nagbalik ako sa pagbabasa ko. May topak talaga 'to! Instead of going to the dinner nandito siya sa tabi ko pero wala namang sinsabi.

"I'm trying to think," he dramatically acted, his pointing finger resting on his pout while looking up. After a second, he continued, "It's either you're very interested in what you're reading or you want to escape from something. So which one is it?" He narrowed his eyes and looked intently into mine.

I looked away trying to break the intensity of his gaze. I frowned, "Ang dami mong alam, umuwi ka na nga." I nudged him lightly and I stood up. He was laughing while walking behind me following me as I was scanning through book after book again.

"Seryoso nga, kung mang gugulo ka lang iwan mo na ako." Hindi naman ako naiinis talaga, ayaw ko lang muna pagusapan because I know that I haven't processed my thoughts and emotions yet. I made it a habit to control what goes out of my mouth kasi hindi ko na mababawi kung ano man 'yon.

"I'm guessing it's the latter?" We stopped between the bookshelves. I just looked up at him. He raised his eyebrows, with suggesting eyes when our gaze met. I bit my lower lip, trying to stop myself from saying what I feel. Will I be heard? Will someone listen? Wouldn't I be a burden?

But this is Jai.

"I hate it..' My voice came out so silent, I played with my fingers while looking down. "I can't understand them... I think I never will. It's just too much, di ko alam bakit sila ganon." I continued trying my hardest not to break in front of him. Not that he will judge me if I did but I can't let him see me in that state.

Jai stood in front of me, listening to my jumbled thoughts. I want to stop talking kasi baka kung ano pa masabi ko but my mind is telling me I needed to get this out. I don't know what words to say or how to say what I want to but that was my last straw.

"Gusto ko sila intindihin, gusto ko isipin na maybe they have reasons why they're doing what they're doing pero ang hirap. Ang hirap hirap." I wiped the tear that escaped with the back of my hand, "Gusto kong magalit, I want to show them how I've been feeling but I know that it would be pointless, it's not as if they'll try to understand. No one does." I knew I didn't need to say more.

Alam kong nasa loob kami ng library at hindi dapat mag ingay dito but I was sobbing hard.

Everything was a blur but I felt everything clearly when Jai closed the distance between us, he caged me in his arms, "I understand, Cali... And I'll always try." He was still saying words that makes me feel better but my mind was going haywire. All I needed was to hear those exact words.

I was still crying when we both sat down on the floor habang nakasandal sa bookshelf. 'Di ko alam paano ko kinakayang umiyak pa rin habang naka akbay sakin si Jai, mamaya na lang ako mag so-sorry dahil hindi talaga tumitigil yung pag agos ng luha ko. Parang lahat na kasi ng sama ng loob na inipon ko iniyak ko na ngayong gabi.

I'm never a fan of crying in front of others and bilang pa lang sa kamay yung mga panahon na nakita ako ni Jai umiyak.

"Sorry.. Ang kulit mo kasi, eh. I told you naman to go na lang.." I pulled away, alam kong namamaga na lalo ang mata ko kaya tumalikod muna ako at nag mamadaling punasan yung mga luha ko.

"You know you don't ever have to be sorry." He slightly held my wrist dahilan kung bakit ako napatingin sakanya. He pulled out his handkerchief and wiped my tears away gently. He held the side of my face while drying the streams of tears that still couldn't come to an end.

"It's never a bother to be with my best friend when she needs me." His voice was firm enough to assure me that I wasn't a bother.

He looked at me with so much care that I feel so heard and seen right this moment.