Letting Go Liberty

Chap 00

It was another day at work and my shift just ended, I badly need sleep parang anytime now my body would collapse but I know I was just exaggerating it. It's not as if I didn't spend years doing this. I was well aware that being a doctor is hard. Very hard... but it's this or none at all.

"Yes? Dr. de Guzman speaking." I said trying to sound as if I was not tired from my 24-hour shift while massaging my temple. Ginusto mo yan, Liberty...

"Doc! Sorry po alam kong kakatapos lang po ng shift niy-" It was obvious kasi mag papalit pa nga lang ako dahil I just got out of the OR.

"Hey, just go straight to the point. Ano? May emergency ba?" Direderetso kong sabi. Even if my shift is done if a patient needed me I would run to them in a heartbeat.

"Yung patient po kasi nag se-seizure, kanina po um-okay naman pero ngayon po is worse." Sabi nung intern na nag rorotation sa pediatrics.

Sinabi ko na papunta na ko, agad agad kong binaba ang tawag, leaving my phone on the bed.

I quickly ran back to the ward.

Kahit gaano na ata ako katagal nag tratrabaho sa ospital the feeling of urgency remains the same. Back then, I didn't know that I am able to feel this kind of passion for something...

When I got there, my sprints were wasted when one of the nurses from the nurse's station said that the situation was dealt with when Dr. Estrella handled it when I was in the middle of running.

Naglalakad na ko pabalik sa on-call room because I left my things there nang makasalubong ko si Louie.

"Hey, Ayos na I gave the patient BZD sublingually, the nurses are keeping an eye on her, you can go home.." Louie said while trying to give me a reassuring smile.

He continued to explain that the kid's temperature was suddenly going up and then down, and that's why she was having febrile seizures or convulsions. I just nodded even though I'm well aware of it.

"Salamat pala... I should've gone sooner." I said whilst walking alongside him.

We reached the room and we were standing awkwardly in front of it.

"Sige, una na ako.." I said and when I reached the handle of the door Louie called me.

"Mama is asking if you'll be in the dinner this weekend?" He said as if he was whispering while scratching the back of his neck.

"I'll check my schedule."

"He won't be home until next month, he's in Spain for their business.." He carefully said while trying to convince me to go. I was containing a small smile inside. Mag kaibigan nga sila, parehong makulit.

"You didn't have to tell me, 'di lang talaga ako sure kung wala ba akong shift nung araw na yun."

I'm trying not to sound so defensive pero mas okay na nasabi ko ang sinabi ko instead of him assuming that I'm still affected.

He dropped the topic and we bid goodbye as he walked away.

I changed my clothes and grabbed my things getting ready to go home. Uuwi na dapat ako pero my feet brought me to the garden of the hospital. I don't have a clue why my thoughts were suddenly in a spiral, as if my state of mind was disturbed.

I mentally cursed myself. Grabe! No name was mentioned yet you're here in the garden to think?!

Think about what, Liberty? Ugh! I'm so annoying! There's nothing to think about! You're fine, you're doing good. In fact, better than ever.

I sat on the bench. I took a deep breath repeatedly, trying to come back to my senses.

Tama... I am okay, things couldn't be better. I was living the life I badly longed for.

I looked up at the stars, dati sila ang nakakakita at nakakarinig ng bawat iyak at reklamo ko sa buhay. I sighed, I stopped myself from thinking of what could've been but failed..

I know there's no point in thinking all of these things but I felt a sting inside kasabay ng pag patak ng mga luha ko... What ifs..

What if I tried harder?

What if he didn't walk away?

What if I didn't push him to walk away...

I don't even remember when was the last time I shed a tear because of him, it's been so long. What makes me sad is that I don't even need to hear his name for the feelings to come crashing back to me. All I needed to know was he was existing and living without me... Our lives continued...

"Aelius!"

A woman from a near distance shouted. It can't be him. Hindi lang naman siguro siya ang may ganong pangalan sa Pilipinas and he was supposed to be outside the country! Kung siya nga 'yon, I'd have to consider Louie as a fraud!

Sinundan ko ng tingin kung saan nang galing 'yong boses hoping that I was just too caught up reminiscing the past and my ears were just playing me.

Right exactly when I looked back I caught him looking around, also looking for the person who called him and our eyes met. It looks like fate was playing with us, pulling a trick and making us the joke once again.

His demeanor was way different from the Aelius I used to know. His eyes didn't seem to glow the way they did years ago, they lost their playfulness. The outline of his jaw was more prominent. His face was bolder, and he looked intimidating.

He looked different.

He didn't feel like the person I spent my youth with.

I was left there looking at him.

Fuck! What should I do?! Run?

No! Bakit naman ako tatakbo? Dito ako nag tratrabaho and that would look so weird! Tumakbo dahil nakita ang ex? But if I smiled, I would seem too friendly which made me think, are we even friends? Can we ever be friends?

I stopped overthinking and just decided to give him a smile, a smile that wasn't too wide for him to put meaning to. Ang assuming mo, Callista!

He looked at me with his unfamiliar cold gaze, and as if on cue, his eyes darted away from mine.

I was left there looking at his retreating back, attention was drawn to the girl she was with.

Oh.

I chewed the inside of my cheek trying to stop myself from doing God-knows-what. My face fell. I didn't care what walking away would mean.

I didn't know being ignored would feel this awful.

Was he taking revenge on me? Dahil ba ganito din ako sakanya dati?

Pero bakit ba ako apektado? Its been years.. And I'm the one to blame.

I got home and I cursed myself for not thinking ahead. He's your childhood friend, Callista! Your families are basically kin! The two of you are bound to see each other! Did I think that drowning myself in med school will put a halt to the inevitable?

I mentally scolded myself, feeling so frustrated because who am I kidding, did I seriously not take it into consideration that whatever happens, baliktadin man ang mundo, I will never get to fully erase him from my life? That's the harsh truth.

I slept that night making it my goal to show him that I can also ignore him. Petty as it sounds but I was sure that he saw me a while ago!

That night, I did whatever I could to free that weekend. Kahit mag double shift pa ako.

Maybe this was my way of turning my pain into something I am familiar with, anger.