Point of View

Your Comfort Character isn't real

Another personal entry.

I sat in my room in the dark, staring up at the ceiling. So much was on my mind, and at the same time, nothing at all. It made it hard to concentrate on sleep. It made it difficult to quiet the voices. My head was full and it seemed empty. I was tired, but sleep kept evading me no matter how much I tried to fall asleep.

I rolled over onto my side and checked my phone that was charging. The time stated 3:18am. I then looked at any notifications. The two group chats I was in were dead quiet, so there was no use really talking to them and joining in on a conversation. There was other notifications, but it was just from social media or small games that I play in my spare time. Genshin Impact was one, saying my resin is full and expeditions are done. But I didn't have the motivation to play. Maybe tomorrow for the daily reset.

Turning off my phone, laying the screen face down, I resumed to stare at nothing. I was in this rut that I can't seem to get out of. Stuck in my head. Drowning in thoughts that shouldn't be here. I wish there was someone that could help ease my mind. I didn't want to bother my friends or my significant other as they're all asleep. I didn't know what to do. The palms of my hands pressing against my eyes to keep the tears from appearing. A sharp inhale as my body shook to not break down again.

Times like these, I wish Xiao was here. But he isn't, because he's just a fictional character in a video game. I wish that he was here, comforting me in my time of darkness. I wish he was here, so I didn't have to worry anymore. I wish he was here, just to let me know that it's all going to be okay. I wish he was here. I could open the game, but it wouldn't be the same. He gives me a sense of relief, but if he was actually here, then maybe.. just for a little while, I would be able to forget the world and the things pulling me down.

To say that he is my comfort character or even my kin, means little. That little pixel, that code, that character. He means so much to me. I love him. But not in the lover way. I love him just for having him in the game. I love him for his development. I love him when he's doing his best. I love him because he reminds me of myself in some aspects. I could go on about how much he means to me. All I want is him to be here.

After a while of laying there, trying to keep myself composed, the damn finally broke. The tears fell and the cries were let out. I did my best to stay quiet, to not alert anyone in the house. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. A mess. Someone who can't even be strong enough to get through all the stress that I'm getting pulled under. I don't even know what I'm crying about. Is it 'cause Xiao isn't real? Is it the expectations that are set for me? Is it the losses I've been through in the last few months? I don't even know anymore.

I just want Xiao here. I need him here to tell me everything is okay. That I'll make it through this night. That tomorrow is another day. That just because of one setback, its not a bad life. I want him to tell me everything that I needed to hear. But who am I kidding anymore. Xiao isn't real, he never will be. He is just some codes in a video game.

A pixel on a screen.