"You fucked in my bed," James cried, almost hysterical. "My sacred sleeping place, my home away from home, my one and only true friend!"
"What about me?" Peter pouts, propped up on one arm under his covers and watching as James paces in front of a flushed Sirius and Remus. They'd been woken by James' woeful shouting, quickly covering themselves with his sheets, making him yell even more. Remus has buried his face in his hands and is keeping it there; Sirius is trying to hide a grin.
"You enabled this, Peter," James turns to glare at him dangerously. "You probably didn't even try to stop them from defiling my sacred place of rest, did you?"
"Well, I mean," Peter says. "You wouldn't have wanted to get in between that either. They're quite passionate lovers, Prongs."
James wails even louder, and Remus lifts his face from his hands to try and defend himself.
"To be fair, we were very drunk," Remus says. "And maybe if you'd actually been in your bed, we wouldn't have mistaken it for one of ours."
Sirius nods. "Where did you disappear off to last night, anyway, Prongs?" He smirks. "Off with one of your many lovers again?"
"Er, yeah, sure," James waves off the question. He doesn't want to think about Regulus while his brother is naked in front of him. "Stop trying to change the topic."
"Well I mean, it's your fault, really Prongs," Sirius says, his posh accent sly. "I'd thought you'd be happier, given you've been trying to get me and Moony together for months now."
"I-I am happy," James stutters, shaking his head. "But just- my bed!"
"Yes, yes, I'll buy you a new one if you like," Sirius placates, picking at his nails. He's been desperately flaunting his new wealth ever since he inherited his uncle's fortune, which is difficult when most of your friends are just as rich as you. "So if you'd just leave me and Moony be now, as we'd like to take it off from where we left last night."
Remus looks at him, exasperated, but doesn't protest when Sirius turns and crashes their lips together. James gapes as he watches them shamelessly make out, on his bed, in front of him. Sirius is going at it like he had something to prove and Remus is just as eager. One of them moans, and James has had enough. He shuts the curtains and turns, traumatised.
"What'd you do that for?" Peter whines. "I was enjoying the show."
The sounds behind the curtain are getting louder and James refuses to be here while they defile his bed, oh gods-
He grabs Peters' arm and drags him off his bed, marching them both to the dorm door.
"We're going," James says to absolutely no one, leaving the room while pulling Peter along with him, slamming the door behind them. It still doesn't block the moans. He rushes down the stairs, desperate to get away, Peter on his heels.
This is definitely the worst morning of his life.
...
What even lmao
