LABYRINTH | Scarlett Johansson x Daughter

6 | a little scruffy.

Scarlett

Giving my daughter up only hours after her birth was the hardest decision I've had to make in my thirty-three years of living.

I spent the last couple months of my junior year in high-school heavily pregnant with her and on the 18th of June, 2006 at 11:23 P.M., she was born. Six weeks early.

Whilst it was a painful twenty-two hours of labour, I couldn't wait to see my beautiful girl, despite the fact I knew I wouldn't be the one to raise her.

I don't remember much after giving birth except for feeling completely dissociated from reality. I do remember getting to hold her for the first time though, and it was the most magical moment. She was so tiny, and her little fingers wrapped around my thumb as she looked up at me with her big green eyes.

I knew at the moment, I regretted my decision to let another family adopt her and I so desperately begged whoever I could not let that family come in and take her, but all the papers had already been finalised and I could not keep her, no matter how badly I wanted to.

My distress however, only caused Kenzie stress, so after somewhat accepting the fact, I decided to spend the last moments I had with her holding her in my arms as she slept peacefully.

For the weeks after, really for the last sixteen years actually, I tried to focus on the 'firsts' I did get to experience. The first time I saw her on the ultrasound, the first time she kicked and the first time she was held.
Despite my efforts, nothing could fill the void of missing out on her first steps, her first words, the first day of school, getting to teach her how to ride a bike, helping her with homework or talking about boys, or girls apparently.

It will never fail to make me giggle, seeing how red her face went after I spotted that drawing of hers.

No, I didn't feel like it was entirely the right thing to come in and see where my daughter grew up without her parent's permission, but when she asked me she was so hopeful and I didn't exactly know how, or want to say no.

The second I stepped inside, the guilt settled in.
The house was barely liveable. The floorboards had bowed completely and the kitchen looked like it barely functioned. There was one couch in the living room that had been torn up in places and all round, the place was empty.

I chose carefully who I wanted Kenzie to go to after she was born, and I had met with her parents a few times. They had opted to take me out for dinner once and were lovely people. Her mother even held my hair back after I puked up said dinner.

They lived in New York at the time but had mentioned they just bought a place in Jersey and were planning on moving. They also had money, and a lot of it. Enough for Kenzie's college tuition to be payed outright.

I don't know where all the money has gone though, because none of it looks like it was invested into the house - the place I allowed them to raise my daughter in.

That makes me feel an immeasurable amount of guilt.

After showing me up to her bedroom and taking out some of her art, my heart warmed at the proud smile on her face. I could tell it was something she worked incredibly hard at and was excited to share.

"Is this you?" I ask, looking at the framed photo resting on her windowsill. "No, it's just a photo of some random toddlers that I keep in my room," she shrugs, sitting down on her bed.

I chuckle lightly at her joke, taking the frame into my hands. She looks almost identical to what I looked like at the same age.

"Who are you with?"