RESPONDING TO HER LOVE

Unexpected Confrontation

"If only life will go smoothly without direction, just like a boat in a sea wave. Except there's havoc waiting to happen".

A new academic session is here. Remaining one year to leave this open prison. How time flies.
This time, on a serious note, I want to stand on my watch. Listen to my heart. Re-evaluate my life again. You see; I'm good at this kind of thought. I can judge myself, give blame or correction to myself, reprove my weaknesses and come up with the best solution to any difficulties.
Yet, I can't seem to conquer just this simple fear, that I understand the root cause very well.

When shall it be. When will laziness and indiscipline die and let me be. Procrastination humbly and persuasively applied to be my bestfriend. "...its desire is to have me".

No! I reject you. And I've learnt from my past not to readily say 'Yes'.
"There are many ways to learn: you either learn by instruction, or by observation, or lastly through your experience. But remember, experience may not leave you the same way it found you"_ our Chaplain will say.

"Oh! I've missed you so much. I'm sorry that I'm gone for a long time, but I've returned for good now," I was murmuring to the book sitting tight on my table in library. A great author, Agatha Kristy. You guys gave me a great world, a wild imagination to lose myself in. I just left momentarily to test vanity.

I was engrossed in the book that I was reading, I didn't know when others left for class. The book was engaging, it was speaking to me...., "do you have an adventure you wish to share with me?"
"Let me tell you what I was doing during the holiday. I went and sew new school uniform; I don't like the one school will give plus the huge amount they will charge. I invested in skincare products, haircream and provisions. I don't plan to manage or be frequenting refectory as usual again. My own is not the worst..."
"Shhhh! Who is making that noise here?" The librarian asked.
"Tsk, this woman, relax. Got to go. We will continue next time". I left there to my class.
"If you don't know what you have, someone may collect your gold and give you stone". This statement always scared the shit out of me. What do I have that may interest someone, I can read very well; even sit at a place for hours reading without getting bored. Is it something I can convert to money or be stolen from me?
I don't understand why, this recent thought pattern bothers me...., soon, it will reveal itself.
I'm not scared no more. Okay? All the books and quotes, some that I've memorized keep popping out to interupt my thought. Please, let it be a sign of good things to come.

"I am the master of my own fate, the captain of my soul...," I'm not allowing you.
Fate...my fate, two hearts long for each other. The wall of pride and value stand tall and strong between them.
All my years in this school, I've never question my intentions or morality. Is it bad to have, to pursue love. To feel connection with someone.
"Where is all these thoughts coming from, for crying out loud?"
A dedicated student, whose only aim is to create legacy and respect. That, this is what I stand for and nothing more.
Some girls will whisper at my back. "Maybe he's not a relationship type,"
"I don't think he likes girls or desire to associate with one...". I like that I'm a mystery to some people. The quiet guy with angelic face.

I don't stand in a secluded place with a lady; any situation that will cause someone to point suspicious or accusing finger my direction, I avoid them.
This ship will sail soon. Just one more year, and all this trouble will go. "But the foundation has been altered"_ I muttered to myself.

Before time, we are in the second term. Life goes on. Daily activities the same. Like a routine, I will move from class to hostel and refectory, then to Chapel. From there back to class or library. Isn't it a wonderful triangular movement. At least I'm not confuse about what next to do. Let me put my energy and commit to one thing.