Once Again

Chapter 29: Present Day

"I'm going to tell you things not because I think it'll take the hurt away, but because you deserve the truth. I should have said these things long ago, but I was a stupid and immature man. I was protecting my ego."
"That morning—New Year's day. I woke up hopeful. I was ready to settle down, get married, have a family and I wanted those things with you. I knew when I came back from Nashville that I would fall in love with you all over again despite the fact that you were in a relationship. I tried to respect it, but I couldn't stop the inevitable. I wasn't patient when you guys broke up. I was an asshole. I wanted what I wanted. I didn't pay enough attention to what you wanted, how you'd changed, how much pain you were in. You uh...you didn't even look at me the same. You..just wanted me to be your friend, to support you, to let you heal."
I nod, feeling my eyes sting with tears. His words put me back into one of the more painful times in my life. He squeezes my hand and gives me a sad smile.
"I'm sorry, Sarah. I just wanted to jump ahead to where you and I were together. I felt like I'd waited most of my life for you at that point. I was mad. I was hurt. I just wanted you to be mine and have the life I envisioned with you. I was used to things kind of coming easy to me and...We? We were never easy."
He takes a deep breath before proceeding "Madison appeared and she was...easy. She was young and looking for a serious relationship, looking for all of it just like me. She liked me unabashedly and needed me. She needed me to provide for her and she, in return, would give me the life I wanted. We had beautiful kids and she made a beautiful home. She'd greet me at the door after work like a fucking 1950s housewife all dolled up with dinner ready." He cracks a rueful smile.
"Her perfection was hard to live up to sometimes. I tried to play the perfect husband—wanted to believe I was, but as you know I'm a flawed man. The disappointment she'd have with me was just unbearable sometime. Falling short of that perfection..." He scoffs            "Anyway...perfection is an illusion. And you're right, she didn't like you. She knew you still had a piece of my heart and it drove her mad in the beginning. I felt like a piece of shit for still loving you. It was my decision to distance myself. I owed it to her to give her a chance to have my heart. I knew you'd move on with your life, you'd done it before, and you'd do it again. You didn't need me."
"No, but I wanted you. I wanted to be your friend at the very least." I shake my head. "You were important to me."
"I know, Sarah, I know." He sighs. "I couldn't be your friend anymore. I was in love with you and it hurt just being around you so I stopped. I never stopped loving you though. There were so many times I wanted to reach out to you. I'd see your stuff on Facebook and I'd celebrate your accomplishments in silence. I even got a little fucking jealous when you got married which was...fucking hypocritical, I know."
"I uh...in therapy I've been able to understand that it's possible to love more than one person. That it didn't make me a bad person, but that I could choose whether to fed or starved it. I chose to starve it. You have every right to be mad at and hurt by me. I know how it looks that I contacted you after...after her death. She would have been so upset with me for trying to talk to you before. It's not easy to say these things to you, to see how I've hurt you. Her not wanting me to talk to you? That was a good enough excuse for me to not have to do this."
"I don't care how it looks or how much of a cliche I am though. I miss you and I love you. I don't regret my life with Madison, I loved her, and she gave me two kids I would give anything for. There's so many things I would have done differently with you though if it meant I could have spared you the hurt. I've been missing a piece of my heart for almost 20 years now. A piece you took a long time ago and only you can have it."
Tears are falling down my face. These are the words I wanted to hear. These are the words I suspected for years. They're bittersweet. They both hurt and soothe. I'm both upset with him and want nothing more than to hold him.
  "Thank you. I mean...For telling me the truth. It still hurts, but it helps me to get some closure. I thought I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worth it to you—" I say my throat sore with tears.
"No, Sarah." He shakes his head. "I know why you felt that way, I know I made you feel that way. I was a fucking idiot who had no understanding of relationships, just an idealized version. It was me who was wrong, not you. I'm so sorry."
I nod "I know you're sorry, Rhys, you don't have to keep apologizing."
"I'd spend the rest of my life saying sorry if I thought it would help." He says. He pushes the heel of his hands to his eyes and sniffs. "Looking at you I see all the years of pain that I caused and I hate it."
I place a hand on his wrist "I'm not going to say it's all ok, but Rhys? We weren't ready for each other. You're right, we were never on the same page at the same time, and we didn't even have the skills to work through it. We're here now because we can talk about these things. I'm not sure we could have gotten here any sooner."
He lets out a teary laugh "We always did things the hard way, didn't we?"
"Oh yes." I smile "Your stubborn ass met its match."
"Sarah, I don't care about my ego anymore. I don't care about things being perfect. I don't care about any of that. I just want you. I'll take the mess, the fights, the complications if it means I have you." He wipes his eyes and it's the first time in all the time I've known him that I see him cry.
My heart cracks open and I wipe at my own tears.
"Hey, Rhys...what would you say if I asked you out?" I ask
He lifts up his head his eyes wide in surprise and a small smile spreads. "I'd say...Yes, Sarah, I'll go out with you."