Perfect by Design

21: Kiara James

Kiara

"Oh, Ki." I look up, my eyes no doubt bloodshot—my face puffy. I inhale through my corrupted lungs and finally allow my eyes to settle. I feel it, but I'm tired of fighting it, so I give in as a lone tear breaks free. I'm honestly surprised I still have tears to give. Do I have anything left to offer?

"Hi, Leah," the words are a strangled sound that leaves my lips. My sister rushes over, climbing into the bed next to me. Her protruding belly that is growing my nephew steals my attention. I can't look her in the eyes because even though she sees me, they all see me now; I'm not ready to see how the look in their eyes has changed.

She wipes my tears. "They deserve answers, and I want to give them, but Leah, I don't think I can.  I'm ready to talk. God, I have so much to say. I­—it got really bad, Leah, and it's all my fault."

"Ki, mom and dad aren't expecting anything from you, sweetie. They love you so much. They don't blame you. No one blames you. If you want to talk, they'll listen— I'll listen."

I've been dreading telling my story. Not just the parts that unfolded publicly, but my side of the story, straight from my fractured heart. "Well, Leah, you know the end. So, I guess I'll go back to the start."

Eight months ago

"Hi, dollface," My dad walks up and kisses my temple just before mom hands him a protein shake, and he heads out for a workout with Uncle Darnell and Uncle Jordan. With it being the beginning of July, my dad is home for a few more weeks before he'll be back in Miami for football season.

Sometimes I wonder why we didn't just pack up the family when he first started coaching for the Dolphins five years ago. Then, three years ago when Grayson was drafted to, you guessed it, the Dolphins, I was sure we were going to move to Miami.

Mom and dad broached the topic with Luca and me. I didn't care because three years ago, I would've been starting high school, and that's a whole new world anyway. What does it matter if I do it in an entirely different state? Luca is so easygoing. He'd live in freaking Montana if it's what my parents wanted.

I'm not even sure I know what I want. I'm just kind of... here. Ultimately, mom nor Auntie K were ready to part with their studio. "Arizona is home," they'd said. In a sense, it is. This is the only place I've ever known, but I don't feel any particular attachment to Arizona. I don't feel particularly attached to much of anything.

"Good morning, Supergirl," mom slides me a glass filled with iced coffee. "What's on your agenda for the day?"

Typically, I'd be teaching at the studio, but six months ago, I quit dance. Mom, auntie K, and auntie Capri nearly had a stroke when I decided. "You have the potential to be better than all of us combined." I'd never seen Auntie Capri so exasperated in my life. You'd almost think she doesn't have her own daughter to mold into her perfect protégé. Still, it's supposed to be me, perfect Kiara.

"She doesn't love it. I know you guys have to see it. She dances for us, not for herself." Aaliyah spoke up, allowing me to breathe easily, even if just for a moment. She has Naomi, but she's always said that with me, things are different. Despite us being eight years apart, I'm not sure there's anyone I'm closer to in my life than my sister.

Our family dynamic is sort of funny when you think about it. I know parents aren't supposed to have favorites, but if they could, everybody knows without hesitation that I'm my dad's favorite, and I am absolutely a daddy's girl. I'm his dollface. Sweet, innocent, and display worthy.

It sounds terrible, but honestly, we're all loved so immensely that having the "favorites" conversation feels silly. All of this rambling to say, despite how uniquely special everyone is in this family, and we feel it, my relationship with Leah is one of the most treasured things in my life.