Perfect by Design

4: Aaliyah James

                                  Aaliyah
"What exactly are you rebelling against, sweetie?" My mom asks as she pauses Friends.

What am I rebelling against? Honestly, I'm not even sure. Life started to feel really mundane.

School. Dance. Repeat.

Don't get me wrong. I love dance. I don't know who I would be without dance, but still, something felt missing.

"I think I'm lonely, mom."

"How long have you been feeling this way?" She plays with my curls as I lay on her lap.

I'm honestly surprised by her response. I expected her to bring up all my friends or that I live in a house with five other people. I expected her to give me a list of reasons why it's impossible for me to be lonely, but instead, she just wants to listen.

"I'm not honestly sure. Sometimes, I just feel like I don't know my place. The last time we visited Gigi and Papa, Luca asked me why I always have to go visit my other mom, and I don't honestly even know the answer to that."

"Oh, Leah."

"I try to talk to Nomi about her, but she just gets angry when I bring her up. She even calls her Kennedy now, not mommy."

"You don't have to do what Naomi does, sweetie."

"It makes sense. You're my mom, just like B is her mom. Except every time I look at Grayson, Kiara, and Luca, I remember that I'm not yours. Not like they are, at least."

"No. I never want to hear you say that again. You are mine. You are as much mine as those other little headaches that run around this house."

My mind whirls with words. So many words, so many thoughts. I'm afraid I'm going to overwhelm my mom. I'm overwhelming myself.

I've been losing myself a bit lately. I can't make sense of my feelings. I'm happy, but I'm sad.

"I know I don't have to suffer alone, but I do. I choose silence and keep the chaos for myself. I can't figure out why, mom. Why?"

"Oh, honey." Her eyes are glossy as she swallows my pain. She'll willingly shoulder my burdens because that's what a mom does.

"Your mo— Kennedy... she struggled too. She was lost too."

"Why don't we talk about her?"

"Aaliyah, I didn't get the privilege of carrying you for nine months; my DNA doesn't run through your veins, but still, miraculously, you are my own, and I will always protect you as such."

"So, by not talking about her, you're protecting me?"

"No, my sweet girl. By not talking about her, I'm protecting myself. I know it sounds selfish, and I don't expect you to understand, but the only way I know how to be the mom you guys deserve is by protecting my peace."

Her eyes are hollow. I don't know what the relationship between Kennedy and my mom was like, but she's holding me tighter than she has this entire conversation.

I keep hurting her. Did Kennedy hurt her too? Am I just a living, breathing reminder of that pain? She doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve her.

"I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry I used your words against you to get what I wanted. It made me sick to my stomach. I felt awful. I've been awful."

"Yeah, Leah. You've been a nightmare. I'll let you in on a little secret... so was I at your age."

"Well, hopefully, that means one day I'll be half the mom to my little girl that you are to me."