Perfect by Design

28: Kiara James

Kiara

TW: This is an extremely heavy chapter—mention of alcohol, drugs, and mental health struggles. Please be considerate of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

"Ki, where the hell were you this morning? I had to struggle through AP chem without you?"  Malia loops her arm through mine and pulls me away from my locker before I can open it.

"Doctor's appointment," I keep my lie short. A doctor's appointment is a reasonable excuse.

In a perfect world, I would have actually flushed those pills like Jayden thought I did. But the crazy thing is I couldn't risk feeling like I needed them again, and I didn't have them.

What if my happiness burns too fast, too bright? What if I begin to feel too off balance? What if I just really need to pretend that I'm not drowning?

So I didn't flush the pills, even though I said I did.

And I'm becoming a perfect liar. But I haven't taken one since that day. And I mean it when I say I hope I never have to again.

I was painting this morning. I paint every day, but I don't want anyone to know about it. It's my safe space—my escape.

But Jayden is also my safe space—my escape. And I can't tell Malia that. She would never get it.

Parker still reaches out occasionally. I continue to ignore it. He was home for fall break and wanted to see me. And trust me; I wanted to see him. But my mom and dad aren't fighting—they aren't asking questions. So, I ignored him.

I ignored him the entire time he was home for winter break. And once a week, I sit in an office with my parents and tell them just enough of what I'm feeling to appease them. It works. This routine works.

In three months, I'll graduate high school. I come a lot less than I used to. I don't stress over assignments and tests the way I used to.

Peace is a smoke ring wrapped around your finger. One second, the promise is there, and by the time you blink, it's already gone. So I'm not missing a single moment of peace.

"I swear I saw your name on Jay's phone the other night. You have a new favorite Greene sibling?"

"I'm considering the med school route. Seems Kiara-esqe, right?"

"I mean, I always imagined you as your own boss, but if you think this is our future, I'm down."

"You're going to be too busy being Mrs. Braxton Johnson to keep up with my med school woes."

"We broke up. I don't want to talk about it, and I don't plan to. You know what's completely insane? For like a moment, I thought you were maybe sneaking around with my brother. Insane right? Then I remembered you don't have a deceptive bone in your body. This med school boringness makes so much more sense."

"Yeah," I laugh uncomfortably. Not a deceptive bone in my body. She says it because she believes it. I smile because I want her to. I ache because I want it to be true.

We want a lot of things.

"Well, you guys can do all the nerd stuff your little heart desires as long as he knows the position of your best friend is taken."