Commitment Issues. |CENTRAL CEE.

"Where are you taking me?..."

- next day -
November 11th, 2022

This shouldn't have happened to me again. But it was happening. The relapse i felt, the recession that i never thought I'd feel. The decline of my emotion. I'm always affected when im at my peak. I seem to feel little like an ant, with the heart of a giant, struggling to grasp the understanding of what, why, when, and how? What causes me to feel so bad about myself, my life, my surroundings? Why, does it have such an affect on my mental and emotional health, sometimes physical? Why do i go days without eating, sitting in my room staring at the walls, wishing the solution to this mysterious problem would be drawn out for me. When, When will this end? When, will i be able to become better? And... lastly. How. How is this something that will benefit me in the end? I live by the motto, "It may be bad now, but its all beneficial in the end." My own motto i live by, is what i am now questioning. Thoughts circulating in my head. The person i was yesterday seemed to have been gone. All i could think is... why me? why do people gravitate towards my weak soul? The text messages from my ex. The sexually pleasing moment that me and Oaks experienced yesterday. My self esteem seemed to now hit me like a stone hitting a delicate bird. Hard and crushing my being. There's only one thing left for me to do now, only person i could talk to when i had these episodes. Aliza . I face-timed her and waited for her answer.
-
"Hey Gir-" Aliza said as she stopped mid sentence. Her analysis of the look on my face told her all she needed to know. It was happening again, she knew this very well, but handling the situation was difficult. "When did this start?" she spoke suddenly, shifted emotion and saddened eyes. Something in me felt bad for calling.. but i desperately needed this feeling inside to stop, i begged for it to stop. "It started in the middle of the night... i've been up since." I stated. My eyes hurt and desperately i needed to close them, but these episodes just feel so inevitable and never ending.
-
"Clear your head for me. Block out all your thoughts, negative or positive, block them out."
She said as i tried badly to do.. but i couldn't. Though trying over and overthinking again, i was able to do just so.
"breathe in for me..... now breathe out." she prompted as i followed her directions. I did this multiple times, feeling my heart beat slow, and my breathing regulate. "Sometimes all you need is to leave the emotional- traumatic thoughts you bear and breathe it out. It'll all be Okay.
-
The sad part about it is. I couldn't even tell my own best-friend what i go through. I've always felt like if i did i'd be a burden to her, and i know if she knew of this reoccurring state of mind, it would crush her, and she'd become unfocused on everything else but me. So, no. This was not an option for me.
-
"Thank you Aliza." I said wiping my tear from my cheek as she said a few more things, hanging up after. I wanted to cry but i just... couldn't physically. feeling trapped inside a black hole, and getting out just to get sunken back deep into it. Was my life. So, now i must cherish the moments where im okay, because once the black hole finds me again, i will be in that state. once again.
-
I dragged myself out of bed, put on my slides and dashed out the door. Maybe a corner shop visit would make me feel a little better.
-
entering the nearby corner shop i bought some candy, chocolate, soda and chips, and reached the counter as the man ringed my items up.

"15.87" he prompted as i reached in my purse for my card. 'ding' the card reader noised as someone removed their card from it as i looked up.

"Pierre chick, we always seem to bump into each other." i laughed as he smiled at me, bringing me into a hug. I hugged him as i was wrapped into his warm embrace, feeling comfortable and relieved.

"You didn't have to..." i said softly. honestly, this man has done things for me physically, emotionally, and now financially. Don't wanna look like im getting too comfortable, but he's making it quite hard to feel otherwise.

"I wanted to though, gorgeous." he said as he smiled, walking out the store. I grabbed my bags, and walked down the street making my way back to my dorm.

"HEY PIERRE CHICK."
oh lord, he's talking again lord.
"YES." i yelled back at him, as he peaked his
head out his window smiling.
he got out of the vehicle, opening the passenger door as he looked at me.
i shook my head as i was going to continue walking, but he came up to me grabbing my wrist.
"don't be difficult, Mayaila." he said saying my name for the first time ever, and all i could sense was his sincerity.
and with that i got in.
with the sound of me closing my door, he started to drive, but he passed the university making me frown.

"Where are you taking me?..." i asked as he smiled. "promise im not kidnapping you, just wanted to take you somewhere i think you'll enjoy." he said as i smiled at his sweet words and sat back to enjoy the ride.