As I lay here in my bed, with the window cracked open getting a slight breeze, I think to myself.
I think about the bad and the good.
Mostly the bad.
I think about my ex boyfriend.
I was his favorite because I believed every word he ever said. It made it easier I guess.
I can feel the pain and bruising that he left on my skin after years of being free of him.
I can feel the tears rolling down my face after every argument we had.
I can taste the salt water from my tears on my lips.
I can still hear his words clear as day, as if he were standing right in front of me yelling.
"You worthless piece of shit. You don't deserve to breathe."
Little did he know, I've already tried multiple times to end my life.
I think about my ex girlfriend as well.
I was at her house watching movies.
Her older brother came home and I knew with me being there again, he wouldn't like that. He never did.
He sat at the kitchen table, and Taylor asked me to get her a glass of water.
I went to the cuboard and reached up to grab a cup. I retrieved the cup and put ice in the glass then turned to the sink.
I leaned over a little bit to turn the faucet on and I felt warm hands on my hips and him whispering in my ear:
"Don't make a sound. I promise you'll like this."
I didn't know what he meant until I felt his right hand go towards my vagina and his left hand reached to my right breast.
He put his right hand into my jean shorts and he started playing while I tensed up.
"You'll get more later baby girl." He whispered.
He went to go sit back down and I felt disgusted. I was only 16 and he was 22.
I finished filling Taylor's cup up and I heard him pound his hand on the kitchen table. I dropped the glass in the sink.
"Dammit kid. You're not going to offer me any?" He lit a cigarette, took a drag and blew it towards me.
I apologized and quickly got him a glass as well. I went to set it down next to his hand and turn away.
Before I could turn away he grabbed my hair and threw me to the ground.
"Next time you better offer. Got it?" I nodded and wiped away a tear. He hated when girls cried.
I got up and went out to the living room and sat next to Taylor. I gave her a kiss and it turned to more.
She always liked it when I was on top. I started kissing her neck working my way to her chest then breasts. I left hickies all over her.
She knew that he was watching. He always did. I never found out until days after. Taylor said he liked the way I move.
She stopped the kissing and wanted to continue the movie. I was fine with it. Her brother sat next to me and put his hand on my thigh.
He brushed it back and forth and I told him to stop. He thinks stop means keep going.
His right hand creeped closer and closer to my vagina and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop him so I jumped and yelled:
"Knock it off C.J.!"
He smacked me and I fell to the carpeted floor. He's punching. I can hear him yelling. Panicked and afraid I just laid there.
No one dared to help.
I shouted for Taylor to help but we all knew I shouldn't have jumped up and yelled.
It was my fault. I get the consequence. I didn't know how bad the consequence would be this time.
He dragged me by hair to his room. His room is the only room that locks.
He threw me up on the bed and I felt weak. He could tell.
He started kissing me. His hands were touching me everywhere. I thought I was fighting back but I didn't realize he tied my hands to the headboard.
He started kissing my neck, went down to my heart and started kissing my right breast while having his hand down the pants and his other on my left breast.
He started sucking my breasts and licking. He began to bite and I screamed in pain.
He smiled because he was proud. He was proud I was in pain.
He started licking my body down to my vagina. He's still fingering me while he's playing with my clit with his tongue.
I couldn't help but moan. He heard it and smacked me and told me to be quiet.
He unbuttoned his pants and pulled them off and took his underwear off. He was stroking his cock and I was screaming and trying to fight it.
"I'll give it to you like you've never had it before baby girl."
He made me take a pill and drink water. I don't recall the pill but it stopped me from fighting back and I was terrified. I was starting to drift away.
I was crying so much. I felt him insert his dick into my vagina and then I couldn't feel anything and felt my eyes close. I was mad at myself that I let him win.
Mad at myself that I was weak and let this happen.
I woke up with my clothes still off and he wasn't in the room. I wasn't tied to the bed anymore so I put my clothes on and called my ex boyfriend.
He picked me up within 15 minutes. C.J. and Taylor weren't home so I was able to get out of the house. I cried into my ex boyfriend the whole one hour car ride home.
My ex was at his friends house playing video games. He ended up taking me to the hospital.
I had broken bones and was bruised everywhere. My ex told the nurses I was raped so they did a rape kit.
They found C.J. and he's in jail now.
I later found out that, Taylor was also one of his many rape victims.
