M Y W O R L D | Sykean

5

Oli PoV.

Fuck, what was this shit?
I couldn't let Matt know what I really feel for him...
It would ruin our image AND our friendship.
You see, when I started liking Matt 5 years ago, I couldn't recognize what this feeling was; heck I didn't even know I was bi back then.

The reason I didn't tell him all this time ago was, because I feared he wouldn't like me back (I am right, as I know now) but as time went by I slowly started to live with it.
I'm not the type of guy who gets all depressed over a one sided love and I would just move on....
Well with Matt it was different, he was different and I loved it.

But his reaction yesterday night kinda hurt me.
I couldn't fully remember everything but I kissed him and told him that I loved him.
Not only did I forget what litteraly my dream of kissing him felt like, no, I also forgot NOT to let stupidity come through.
As I mentioned before, our band image is just one more reason we couldn't be together if he loved me.

Being gay is uncool and weird, especially if your partner is your bandmate. It would scare fans off and we need the money!
Ugh why does this have to be so complicated!
I mean I would hit on him if we wouldn't be popular!
OK well I am kinda hitting on him already but just because I can't help myself, he's too hot!

He's got those ocean eyes and those high cheekbones and this slightly toned and tall body.
But his hair turn me on the most!
Gosh, this man was all I needed.
And it really hurt my heart when I had to tell him that all I did and said was just some rubbish I said while being drunk.
I really wanted to tell him how I feel for him, even if he's not gonna return my feelings.
But I think I must keep it a secret...
Who knows, maybe the other bandmates would hate me if I ever came out?
Would give me just one more reason.
Overall, it would be better to keep this teenage shit to myself, this way it won't bother anyone.

I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.
Tonight will be our first concert in America in ages.
It was 2.30pm already so we really needed to hurry up.
The others were probably already at the practice spot. (AN: idk where people go to practice haha sorryyy! Does anyone know, I'm kinda curious :')? )

Not three seconds after I stepped out with only a towel around d my waist a very angry looking Matthew stormed past me into the bathroom.
Woah, what the fuck was going on with him?
As he passed by my hand stroked the fabric of his long sleeved sweater.
It was a mixture of blue and gray and I think it fitted him perfectly, especially because of his blue eyes.
It made them protrude even more.
But he didn't even look at me?!!
Normally, he'd look at me with his goooorgeous smile every time our eyes would meet.
Did I do something wrong?
I mean the thing with the kiss... Was it that bad?
Is he like a superstraight person who wouldn't even kiss their best friend for a party game?
Okay this wasn't a party game but still I'M NOT THAT UGLY!!! :'(

I whistled as I changed into a pair of ripped, knee length shorts and a oversized black hoddie with the dropdead logo on.
For my hair, I just took a towel to rub them till they were dry, they fell like that normally.
Heh, I just didn't have all those hair problems the girls had.
Poor cuties.

Should I put some black eyeshadow on my waterline?

Hell yeah!!
I sat in front of the mirror deside Matt's bed and took out my makeup pallet.
I drew a line... And I fucking messed up no!
Brushing it away with a wet tissue, witch I wanted to throw in the bin right there, I saw something terrible!

There was something wrapped in tissues with blood stains on it?
What the heck?
I took it out and unwrapped it just to see Matt's old pocket knife.
Did.... Did he cut himself?
I thought he stopped.
I thought we made it through his depression and stress.
I thought saved him...
Even if he ever tried it again, we made a deal that, in case it happened, he would immediately call me and I'd come to him and help him not to do it...
Didn't he trust me?
Was I that much of a bad friend to him?
Was that why he didn't look me in the eye just now?

'Well, Oliver, of course you are a bad friend.
You go out almost every night just to distract yourself by getting drunk and kissing girls taking Matt with you so he could bring you home safely! You fucking kissed him and told him you lived him! Did you think just one moment of him when you did all of this?! Did you ask him if he wanted all of this?
He's even still nice to you and doesn't complain or break the friendship, hell, he even let's you stay with him whenever you want to! Of course he doesn't trust you!', I thought to myself a tears slowly began forming in my eyes before streaming down my cheeks, destroying my liner.

What have I done??
Why didn't I notice what kind of a bad person I was?
Click
The bathroom door closed as I watched Matt standing there in his hot outfit and slightly wet hair, shocked.

Almost immediately, he rushed over to me ripping the knife from my hands and throwing it back into the bin.
"Oliver what are doing!? Why are you going through the bin?!!", he screamed hysterically making me sobb even more.
I was now covering my face with my hands.

"Matthew I'm so sorry! I didn't want to be such a bad friend to you! I want to be the person you can trust, and I really want to help you!"

Matt stood silent before sitting next to me hugging me.
"I trust you... You're not a bad friend. Everything I do, I do with pleasure. I love you, did you forget?", he whispered now.
I looked up to him.

"Well, then why didn't you tell me... This....?"
I was clearly confused.

Matt gulped.
"You can't tell someone about something you did because of them..."
I was shocked but before I got to ask him what he meant, he simply walked out of the hotel room.