Their Broken Angel

Chapter Twenty-Two

I continue to walk with all that fake confidence I'd mustered up right up until I'm officially out of the room and therefore out of their eyesight. It's as if the puppeteer holding the strings that were keeping me in place just gave up. I crumple against the wall as oxygen yet again becomes a rare commodity to my system.

What the actual fuck? I can't believe I just did that!

Pushing off the wall with a self-deprecating groan, I don't even try to stop myself from dragging my feet as I trudge up the stairs. "If they didn't hate me before, they sure as hell do now." I whisper to myself.

By the time I get to my room, I've had time to fully absorb just how epically I've fucked up. I mean, at this point my hands are shaking so bad it's not even funny.

"Oh come on, Ember! Telling them to their faces that they're just as bad as the family I left? What kind of a no-good terrible excuse for a human being does that??" I mutter to myself, speaking to my reflection in the mirror and forcing myself to not look away.

"You deserve this. You're a pitiful excuse for a family member. They were just trying to support you!" I whisper shout at my teary-eyed doppelganger as I reach for the razor in the medicine cabinet. I shouldn't be doing this. It's been years since... "It doesn't matter what I should be doing, I deserve this." I cry softly, arguing with myself and my inner demons.

The last time I cut was years ago, I swore I'd never do it again after Sally found out and threw a whole damn hissy fit over it. But you need this. You deserve it. Gritting my teeth in frustration, I sink to the bathroom floor, letting my head rest against my knee as my fingers hold on to the razor for dear life.

"It's okay, you don't have to do this. Just let go of the stupid thing and forget it ever happened!" I whisper, not even sure who I'm trying to convince at this point. You can't just let go of it! You deserve the pain, you need the pain.

"It's fine, I'm just gonna put it down and forget about it," I say even as my fingers start to pry one of the blades out. "Yeah, I'm just going to put it back, I'm not going to do anything because that would be stupid and I promised Sally," I assure myself in vain.

I've been through this whole process before. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that I'm just going to put it down and walk away, how many times I scream at my body for not listening when I tell it to put the razor down. It just doesn't matter. It always ends the same.

Pulling down my pants to expose my inner thigh, I raise the blade with my trembling hands and press it against my skin, groaning in relief even as my body stiffens at the pain. Before I really have a chance to relieve all the tension inside me, I hear someone knocking at my door.

"Sorella? Can I come in?" Alessandro's soothing voice calls out.

I choke back a sob as guilt rears its ugly head inside me. He's going to hate this if he finds out. They can never know. I panic as I realize that just this once the demons might be right. It's one thing to be broken by someone else, but to intentionally hurt yourself? Everyone knows it's wrong. They'd almost definitely look at me differently if they knew.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I hastily pull my pants back up and hide the bloody razor blade before anyone can see it. "Yeah, I'll be there in just a second," I reply, splashing cold water on my face and trying to appear as though I'm fine.

We all know that it never works when you need it to though. With my heartbeat steadily climbing and the guilt growing inside me with each passing second, the tears just keep pouring out faster than I can wipe them away. Clenching my jaw, I flex out my hands and squeeze my eyes closed as I breathe deeply in a last-ditch effort to calm down enough to show my face.