Diary of a schizophrenic

Entry Twenty-one

26.10.2013

Dear Diary,

it's raining and if I'm not mistaken the world seems to be ending today.

I'm having a good hair day, delicious coffee and it's raining. Jake's here sitting beside me, napping probably, and the library is filled with a baffling silence that feels inexplicably comfortable and warm like a second skin.

We're supposed to go out after I finish my research but I'm reluctant to wake him up. He looks so peaceful, he always does.

I've been thinking lately. I, unexpectedly, have friends, a family, I'm going to a good university with a promising future, I have food and money and shelter and yet, why does it feel like this? What is this hole inside of me? Why, why is there something missing?

I've been thinking, what if humans were made like this. Our purpose was not to create our own happiness but rather that happiness was already set for us long before we were born. What if we were made with a fatal flaw that amounted in us needing to find our way to completion? Did you ever feel like you've found something, anything, that made you feel final?

Maybe it's something bigger than that or maybe I'm over-thinking things but I cannot seem to get this out of my head nor the emptiness luring deep inside of me.

But what's more to that is this question that kept me awake through the night, what if I'd already lost that one thing?