You make me feel special

Chapter 1

Everyone has a feeling deep inside them but it's not about that feeling it's about what they do with that feeling. Feelings can have meaning but sometimes the meaning isn't important it's about what you do in that moment that can make you a good person or a bad one. Sometimes in life you can feel like no one understands you. It's common. I feel it often. Especially when you're different. We've been told to act a certain way, look a certain way, listen, don't speak. People tell us we can't make a difference. That our voices aren't heard because we're young. I disagree. We see the world from a different lens. We are new to this experience and all. I don't understand why people discriminate against good and bad. When we are both good and bad. It's a balance where some people fight their demons everyday whilst some have no battle. But I believe we all have demons inside us pushing us to either do good or bad. But no one understands individual fights between ourselves. Because that's unique to us. Each experience is for us to learn and grow from. The way we deal with things are different whether we decide to be the hero, or the villain is up to us. No one can decide our future for us and sometimes we can feel like we have no choice, but we do. We always have a choice. I choose to fight. I won't sit back, and watch people be pushed around. I won't stand it. But I do always feel for people whose experiences in life break them. The pain they live with. I've been there, but I've come out on the other side. Whether I'm a better person or not is for me to decide. Whether I help people is for me to decide. It is true that some experiences in life can make or break a person. But I believe that at the end of all the healing it can make a person for better or for worse. I choose who I become. What I believe in. And what I do with that information. But as I look around all I see is broken people from a broken system. People who have scars so deep it affects generations to come. A world that is run on hatred and hurting innocent people. Toxic positivity and people who act like they care when they really don't. Whether I'm the villain of my own story it doesn't really matter to me. But going out of my way to hurt others is not what I do. I care. I listen. Even if I don't really care. I feel like if we listen to the world around us and people around us, we could learn so much. If we didn't repress people for being different, we could learn so much from them. But no one's listening. No one except me. That's why I'm different. I listen to my demons. I make them feel heard. For better or worse I believe they can help me or help me see a new perspective. I'm not a mind reader and honestly, I'd hate to be. Seeing people's thoughts would honestly kill me. I don't know how some people can do it. It's scary really. People don't see it or know about it, because people like me who are different are being hidden from the world. Mind readers all around us, reading people's minds out of fun or curiosity while people have no idea, or people who are paranoid that someone knows what they are thinking. They do. And it's scary. I'm not paranoid about it because I can block them out. I know when they try, and I push them out. Call it a gift. But it's a curse. Being different is a curse. We can't live normal lives, have normal relationships or friendships. Our lives mean nothing to our captives. People in our prison wonder how I live day to day. Wonder why I get extra freedoms. I live because of my demons. They are my purpose. I get extra "freedoms" because I have more control, also because the lead captor made me his favourite. I have a guard who follows me around everywhere even in our prison and instead of him protecting me I tell people, when asked, that he's protecting them from me. It's our little joke. He doesn't understand me completely, but he listens and treats me how he would treat a normal person. He stands up for me, listens to me when I'm sad, or confused, or even stuck. He's my only friend that I can see every day. He's the only one who can. The lead captor I can have mixed feeling about. He's a good person but he runs this constitution. So sometimes the lines can be a blur. He cares about me as a friend. But people say he's just using me for my power, but I know the truth. We get along, he lets me be in his office even if he isn't there when I need alone time. He gives me books to read when he goes out. Anything I need. He fulfils. Our friendship isn't give or take, it's both. We both give and we both take. When I get to explore the town, I might buy something for him because it reminds me of him. He always tells me I don't have to and that I shouldn't spend money on him. But he does it for me. He tells me the thought is what counts and no relationship or friendship should be based on the gift and not the thought. I learn so much from him and I feel like he learns so much from me. Two completely different people, brought together by unorthodox reasons, getting to learn from the other. Of course, this has its downsides. The people in this prison hate me for it. Hate me for being friends with not only my guard but the leader. That's what we call him. No names we just label them their positions. Poisons our minds. They say. So, I act like I don't know their names. They label us, so we label them. But not in private. That's the only way we can be seen. When no one knows. It hurts in a way. I can't make friends because of it. Just because someone treats us badly doesn't mean we should treat them the same. Nick tells me that. He says some rules are made to be broken or bent. Not all rules are made for the right reason. I trust him with my life not because he's my guard but because he's given me reason to. He protected me against my parents against the rules and regulations. Almost cost him his job. If it wasn't for Jason. He saw reason for it and told his father so. So, when he stepped up as the leader Nick was okay. They earned my respect and trust. They didn't demand it. I often like to joke around with Jason and call him a murderer he laughs and tells me that it wasn't his choice. I always tell him that he could change it, but he says he wouldn't even know what to change it to and wouldn't want to dishonour his father. His father was obsessed with Jason the murderer saying that killing people with a chainsaw was impressive. I've always thought that Jason's father was messed up in the head and my demons agree especially for idolising a killer. Someone who enjoyed causing harm. In a weird way I think that his father was hoping that he would turn out that way. I'm just glad he didn't.