TRVNSPVRENT

Where can i turn when the world gives up on me

Lynn Gunn

"Alan?" I gasped as the Orange haired boy looked up shamefully. His face was covered in tears masked by the cold rain and his black shirt was tinted with something other than rain, I wasn't sure what until I got a glimpse of the blood spattered along his arms. He didn't do what I think he did, did he? No, he couldn't have, not the Alan I know.

Something has changed in him since last time I saw him. His eyes don't hold the same held despair as before, they look almost psychotic. The guards held us back as he was led through the room to the showers.

I stood crying into Josh's shoulder until they sent us back to our rooms to get ready for bed. I can't believe I haven't noticed his distance over the past few days. It's my fault, I shouldn't have let him do it.

"Alright, back to your rooms." the guard yelled followed by a sharp whistle. As I walked upstairs with Josh and Tyler towards our rooms it occurred to me that Alan would be in one of the rooms on this floor, considering they're the only ones free. But would he still be the same person I knew, or has he changed.

I noticed a light shining through the crack underneath the door at the end of the hallway, showing that someone was in there. Due to the muffled sounds of the bed creaking, shouts of workers, and the fact that it was formerly unoccupied, I could guess who it was fairly easily. "I'm sorry" I choked, knowing he couldn't hear me, but somehow thinking he would.

I opened the drawer, finding a large Metallica tee shirt that Alan brought me, a few weeks ago since it was getting warm out and the hospital only has stiff uncomfortable night dresses.

I took in my appearance through an old warped mirror attached to the wall near the window. I remembered how happy Alan seemed every day when he came to see me and how I could've simply talked to him and stopped him. The images of him walking through the lobby, his soft face now stone cold and splattered with blood, lightning flashing through the windows illuminating the night sky and making the situation seem cliche.

Then the relapse started, images of me sitting on the floor, blood pooling around me, demonic voices filled my head. "Get out" I yelled "go away" only for dark laughter to fill the air of the dark room I had fallen into. I felt my wrists and thighs tingling for the familiar release. I needed to find something sharp. I frantically looked around the room for something, anything.

My eyes caught on the glinting metal of the scissors Tyler had forgotten. I rushed over grabbing them desperately, falling back into my chair and pulling up the bottom of the shirt revealing my scarred thighs. I pulled the scissors across my leg in a short repeating pattern leaving thin lines beaded with blood, gradually working deeper. I missed this.

Maybe knock arose from the door and Ben's voice follow "just coming for room check, can I come in?" Shit. I gotta hide this, I thought. I started panicking and threw the bloody scissors into my desk drawer, my breath quickening hastily. "Are you okay in there Lynn?" He asked sounding slightly scared "I'm coming in" the door flew open and my legs gave out. I fell to the floor and curled up in a ball crying. "I'm sorry Alan, I didn't mean for this to happen" I muttered repeatedly. Ben ran out of the room yelling for backup. He returned with three others and some bandages. "Lindsey, it's not Alan, I'm Ben. You have to calm down" I shook my head violently.

Alan was at the door hands cuffed guards pulling him back, "I have to see her, I can calm her down" I looked up making eye contact with him, and he broke through the guards iron grip on him, rushing over to me. Ben stood up and slowly backed away stopping the guards from pulling him away.

"Shh, its okay. I'm here now" he soothed, sitting cross legged in front of me, placing my hand over his heart "Focus on my heart beats" I could barely hear him over the screaming in my head. Everything was dark and I couldn't breathe, it's like there where transparent hands wrapped around my neck, getting tighter with every breath. He lifted his hand placing it on the back of my neck, lifting me head to make eye contact with him. It was almost as if he knew what I was thinking, the hands went away and his hand replaced them. But he let me breathe.

He leaned into my ear "C'mon Lynn, you can do this. Focus" he whispered pulling me into his lap holding my head to his chest. The sound of his heartbeat filled my head drowning out the voices, and the fast pace of my breathing evened out. Once I calmed down, they took Alan back to his room, bandaged my fresh cuts and checked my room for anything I could possibly hurt myself with and left me alone, with my thoughts.

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Sorry, it took forever to update. the book is making me relapse quite a bit and it's kind of hard to write, but I'll keep writing cause why not? Anyways I'll have the next chapter up soon hopefully. Don't forget to vote and follow and stuff, I'll try to update more - Kat Xx

Song: initiation-crown the empire