The Apple of My Eye

Most of the Time

David is not doing so well on the job, and that does not trouble him one little bit. Fact is, he can't stand his job. The only reason why he hasn't quit the damn thing yet is Star. She's already on his back about the fact that they can barely pay some of the bills. She won't leave him alone about the fact that his mom still has to pitch in money for the rent. And he just knows that Star would go flat-out apeshit on him if he just stopped working altogether and dedicated himself to his true calling in life: his music.

He's been keeping himself busy in that department, too. He gets these parties to deejay at almost every night now. True, whatever money he gets, when he gets any, barely covers transportation expenses. He doesn't own a car and he doesn't even know how to drive, so it's either some acquaintance taking him places or a taxi ride. But, hey, he's spreading the word, you know? He's making a name for himself. That's a good thing. People will remember him that way. They will call him up whenever they need someone to take care of the music at their get-togethers. And not just get-togethers. He's working clubs now, too. Look at him.

If it weren't for Star and for all the responsibilities of married life, David would be living the dream, that's for sure. Fine-looking women all around, the vast majority of them readily available after hours, free booze, the occasional weed, you name it. David feels like he's the guy who brings people together through his choices of songs, sounds, and unique arrangements. But what these parties and clubs really do for him is, they allow him to temporarily escape his money problems and the pressures his whinger of a girlfriend puts him under. If only he didn't have to worry about Star being mad at him every time he gets back home in the wee small hours of the morning, he ruminates.

David is beginning to see the inescapable truth as it creeps up and appears just about ready to bite him in the ass. Wouldn't things be so much easier had he never brought Star to the big city to live with him in the first place? Wouldn't it be a lot better if they could just be together every couple of months or so, whenever he had the time and the money to fly down south, where she conveniently lived with her folks?

Those were the days, weren't they? Not a care in the world, free accommodation, free meals, and the company of a mighty pretty young lady who was always ready and willing to please. He didn't have to worry about when he'd have to go back home because he didn't even need to go to work back then. And when he got bored, all he had to do was say goodbye and get the hell out of there. And if he ever, ever, got really, really bored, he could just stop showing up altogether.

But none of that is possible now. She's here now, she depends on him, and he, well, he depends on his mother. He and his mother were both very clear and very emphatic when they sweet-talked Star's parents into letting her move in with him. If in the back of his head lies the idea that life would be so much easier and fancy-free if Star weren't around anymore, the harsh reality dictates that he put up a front. He won't be caught dead admitting to her or to his mom that maybe, just maybe, he got carried away and made a terrible mistake. Oh no.

Maybe time will take care of fixing things, who knows?

As to Star, she will accompany him to the occasional hip-hop performance every now and again. That she can still tolerate. She is not crazy about the clubs, she's made that clear more than once, so he doesn't even bother to ask anymore. Most of the time, though, she'll stay home or go out and catch a movie or something like that. All by herself. She never strays too far, as there are plenty of theaters and bookstores in the neighborhood. Passing time is never too much of a challenge in this part of town. She can tell she and David are drifting apart, but she also seems to think this is part and parcel of the choices she has made. Ah, the burdens of married life—when you're not even married.

And the thing about being married is that you just don't have as much sex anymore, do you? People laugh about it, but it seems to be true, it begins to dawn on her. And you know what? It's not like she misses it all that much. She doesn't even know what she misses anymore. It sure doesn't seem like it's David she misses. She has grown disturbingly accustomed to his absence. And his initiative to make up for hours away from her with the gift of a little kitty cat to make her company has done more to confirm they are drifting apart than to reconnect them.

She knows something has gone terribly awry, but she can't quite determine what it is. And until she does, she is intent on fighting for everything she's achieved this far, which, while not much, is still an achievement. She has a job now, she makes her own money, people know who she is, she feels useful, she feels needed. Isn't that what we all long for? To be accepted as fully effective social beings? There is no way Star will give it all up and go back to her little neck of the woods now. The thought has crossed her mind, yes, but every time it does, she makes sure it is gone real fast. She's staying, and that's that.

***

Star wakes up one morning to find David sleeping next to her. He hasn't showered and still reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, which explains her disinclination to try to wake him up with a kiss or maybe something else. A blow job is utterly out of the question.

"Please, do not let us stay in this stalemate," she whispers, more to herself than in faint hopes that he'll be able to hear her.

As she gets up to open the window, David opens his eyes just about enough to be reminded of her, of his daytime job, of the fact that it's time to get up again, take a shower, and go to work. But there's too much light in the room now and his eyes hurt.

"Let's see some action, woman," he mumbles as he rolls to his side and reaches out to grab her ass with his left hand, eyes closed shut again.

She pushes him away, which causes him to open his eyes once more. He looks surprised. She points toward the bathroom, meaning she demands that he go take a shower first.

He puts his hands in his pants, grabs his erection, strokes it a couple of times, and asks, banteringly, "Come on, Star. Do you really wanna let this go to waste?"

"You're the one letting it go to waste, David."

Of course those words mean so much more to Star than they do to him, especially in the state he's in. He's not exactly drunk, neither is he hung over, but he is sedated by this feeling of numbness, this feeling that he is still a bit out of it. He lacks sleep, obviously. And if Star won't indulge him, then to hell with her, is all he can muster at this hour.

Star gazes at him as he goes back to sleep. Only now does she realize he's still wearing last night's clothes.

She gets up and heads to the shower herself. She can't wait to get out of the house and go to work. All of a sudden, it seems like the workplace is just so much more satisfying than this. She chuckles at the thought.

Even though she still hasn't reached the point where she can picture her life without David, she finds it increasingly difficult to put up with these circumstances. The two barely communicate these days. For all she knows, he could be cheating on her!

"No, he wouldn't do that . . . Unless . . . Of course he would!"

Her thoughts are running rampant. And the worst part of it all is that she doesn't even know if those thoughts bother her.

Well, it is what it is, she concludes.

Trooper that she is, though, as soon as she's fresh out of the shower and ready to hit the road, Star still finds it in her to lay out David's clothes, make him a grilled cheese sandwich, and gently pat him on the shoulder to wake him up before she placidly tells him she loves him.

"I love you too," he moans.

"I made you a sandwich."

He raises his head with seemingly enormous effort, looks at her with one eye closed, tries to come up with something to say, but nothing comes out.

As soon as she leaves, he goes back to sleep.